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last cigarette ever

by tphg

Walking back to work today from my lunch break, I started thinking about the piano(keyboard) sitting in my apartment. I’ve had it for a year but have only played with it twice; still on the first couple pages of my 6 week lesson guide. I bought it to fulfill part of the destiny I laid out for myself. When you’re as cowardly as I am, suicide is nothing more than a silent longing, and so I fully expect myself to reach old age.

If and when I do make it to gray hair and wrinkles, I want to be away from society and on a farm. Tons of land for the animals I save from the butcher to live out their days however they please. Grazing, frolicking, whatever. I see a big red barn with a few stables and hay everywhere. Somewhere in the mess is a grand piano. I dunno, I don’t think 60 year old me will still like playing video games. If I’m still a gamer then I’ll scrap the piano and install a massive plasma screen (or whatever the latest TV is) on one side of the barn, and park my Lay-Z-Boy in the middle.

Yeah, I’ll probably get the TV. Learning new things.. I dunno. Part of me feels 80 years old and at peace with my impending death. It’s just that I’m actually 29 and still have a long way to go. Anyway.

Last cigarette ever. I’ll never get my farm and free the animals and have a giant futuristic TV in my barn if I keep wasting money on metaphorical cigarettes (food that makes me sick, games I don’t need, this stupid trip to NY that I’m taking etc.). I kinda blew off this chick at work after she offered to help me get out of my rut. I can’t listen to other people anymore and the advice that they have because it simply doesn’t, hasn’t and never will apply to me.

We’re all walking around in similarly shaped bodies of varying skin tone but inside we’re all different kinds of animals. Human is what this fleshy shell is, but we ain’t all hermit crabs. After New York, I’m never going to let myself get swept up into other peoples plans for me without good reason. This whole trip is going to be a disaster and I stupidly agreed to it out of guilt. Ah well, live and learn. I’ll pay this debt and move on.

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10 comments

Mark_1981 8/6/2015 - 3:49 pm

Thumbs up. 🙂

kills 8/6/2015 - 3:58 pm

Fuck man, this was so amazing to hear. I honestly support your vision for your destiny wholeheartedly my friend. I see it for you too. I see whatever you see for yourself and more. Limitless, you are my friend. Limitless. If there is a way to squeeze out of this trip I say you try to do that. Don’t wait til after. If you absolutely MUST then vow that you’ll follow your own path. We all have our own. Yours is shaping up to be very beautiful. That is a grand idea to play the piano. Maybe I’ll hear your masterpieces on the radio? I think you can do whatever you want.

tphg 8/6/2015 - 4:22 pm

Thanks a lot man, great to have the support. It’s all about learning from mistakes and applying the lessons. I keep telling myself to apply the lessons I learn from the shitty experiences I’m always having but they haven’t yet sunk in. Well after I waste a bunch of money going to New York and realize that I’m in the most debt of my life, maybe then it’ll clue in lol Try as I might, there no way out of going to NY. I can’t disappoint my grandmother cause she’s always supported me. This morning, I was thinking of ways to cancel but then I start putting this special lotion on a cut I have and I remembered that my grandmother had given it to me. A man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do, unfortunately. Gonna smile the whole way and hope I don’t implode from the pressure lol

tphg 8/6/2015 - 4:23 pm

she gave me the lotion, not the cut lol

kills 8/6/2015 - 4:24 pm

Do what you feel is right man. I would just say that if your grandmother knew how much the situation pained you I wonder if she would rather you be true to yourself yknow?

tphg 8/6/2015 - 4:29 pm

She’d definitely let me off the hook if I told her, but that’s why I gotta do it cause she’s always letting people off the hook. I’m her in 40 years after letting the world walk all over me. If she didn’t believe so strongly in Christ, turning the other cheek, love thy neighbour and all that, then she probably would be on this site too.

kills 8/6/2015 - 4:32 pm

Ya… Then do this for her bro. Mean the world to her. Why do you feel so hesitant about it?

tphg 8/6/2015 - 4:47 pm

eating issues. I’ve always had a tiny appetite and when I started smoking pot, I liked that it opened up my hunger. But now I’m dependent on it because I have almost no appetite now unless I smoke. I can eat fruits/veg/cold meats but anything cooked or breads/crackers or anything that doesn’t come directly off a tree or an animals ass makes me nauseous.

And also boredom. Not being able to tap into my hunger for so long has me worried but the boredom of not being able to unwind with a doobie and zone out in front of the TV at the end of the day also bothers me (i’m so lazy). And then there’s all the talking to relatives I’ll have to do; my nerves won’t be able to handle meeting so many new people at once. oh well! I’ll make the best of it. Detox in NY and come back witha different mindset and action plan.

Schiz018 8/6/2015 - 5:16 pm

When I have to go in to social occasions I up my dose of anti anxiety meds by half. Super chills me out. Ive just given up smoking tobacco by two months and in doing so never had an outlet to chill out or go outside and have a smoke. So I use benzos wisely. By not taking them everyday so my body doesn’t build up a tolerance. But they’re there if I know a social occasion is coming up.

Schiz018 8/6/2015 - 5:18 pm

I’m not saying get any but it does control the thoughts and nervous tension and social intolerance. Good luck.

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