Walking back to work today from my lunch break, I started thinking about the piano(keyboard) sitting in my apartment. I’ve had it for a year but have only played with it twice; still on the first couple pages of my 6 week lesson guide. I bought it to fulfill part of the destiny I laid out for myself. When you’re as cowardly as I am, suicide is nothing more than a silent longing, and so I fully expect myself to reach old age.
If and when I do make it to gray hair and wrinkles, I want to be away from society and on a farm. Tons of land for the animals I save from the butcher to live out their days however they please. Grazing, frolicking, whatever. I see a big red barn with a few stables and hay everywhere. Somewhere in the mess is a grand piano. I dunno, I don’t think 60 year old me will still like playing video games. If I’m still a gamer then I’ll scrap the piano and install a massive plasma screen (or whatever the latest TV is) on one side of the barn, and park my Lay-Z-Boy in the middle.
Yeah, I’ll probably get the TV. Learning new things.. I dunno. Part of me feels 80 years old and at peace with my impending death. It’s just that I’m actually 29 and still have a long way to go. Anyway.
Last cigarette ever. I’ll never get my farm and free the animals and have a giant futuristic TV in my barn if I keep wasting money on metaphorical cigarettes (food that makes me sick, games I don’t need, this stupid trip to NY that I’m taking etc.). I kinda blew off this chick at work after she offered to help me get out of my rut. I can’t listen to other people anymore and the advice that they have because it simply doesn’t, hasn’t and never will apply to me.
We’re all walking around in similarly shaped bodies of varying skin tone but inside we’re all different kinds of animals. Human is what this fleshy shell is, but we ain’t all hermit crabs. After New York, I’m never going to let myself get swept up into other peoples plans for me without good reason. This whole trip is going to be a disaster and I stupidly agreed to it out of guilt. Ah well, live and learn. I’ll pay this debt and move on.