I look back over my life, such as one does, and can now understand the difficulties that I’ve had. Notwithstanding that I grew up in semi-severe isolation (refer other posts) I know now that I have a mental illness of some sort. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety but these, I believe, are side issues to a greater matter not yet diagnosed. I wonder if I am on the autistic spectrum? Maybe something else? I know that I do not have schizophrenia for example (no offense to those who have it) …. I just know that there is something more.
I live in my own world, a world that is off-set to the real own. I avoid talking with people almost at all costs…. when I do speak I do not convey emotion; if I do it is like I have to process data in my head with the end analysis of data telling me to laugh. Same goes with smiling. For the most part I function with a blank face, distant and aloof.
The world doesn’t feel real anymore.
For a good part of my 20s I lived in a mental fog, whilst on medication. I functioned at work using my complex data analysis as above. My life was this: 8.30am to 5pm, function in the real world (though slightly offset)…. after 5pm I would go home and spend the rest of the evening lying in bed replaying the day, analysing, trying to find a balance of calmness. I was strung tightly. I made it work…. I hid my personal life from everyone. I home was a mess… disgusting actually. No one visited me at my home and I don’t know what I would have done if people did?
I believe that my parents have a mental illness and it was passed on to me. I grew up in isolation. I am finding myself mirroring what my mother and father did, my mother at least.
I am trying but I don’t see a favourable outcome…. regardless of treatments and therapies my mental state still remains…. I am at the point that I am perfectly content lying in bed with my eyes shut all day; the only thing that seems to bring peacefulness to me. Even the most basic task of getting out of bed has become a challenge. Leaving the house is overwhelming…. I spoke with my therapist about it and he’s unsure of what my options are. I am very tired and have managed to get to the ripe old age of 34. My 20s were spent in mental flux. I knew that there was something wrong with me…. something different… but I didn’t have the time, money, or abilities to deal with it and perhaps that is how I got through? I started to break at 30…
I want to live yet death seems to be my only option. The world is beautiful…. trees, greenery, the many different creatures, oceans and ocean waves hitting rock sides, etc…. I conclude that we all die in the end and me hanging on to the beauty in the world is only for a blink in time. Not all mental illnesses can be cured….
I know how I plan on checking out. I just have to find the ability to set it in motion.
6 comments
Most mental illness can’t be cure I reckon. It can be smoldered over by drugs and medication. I’m the bottom 1/3 of the population where drugs can’t help a schizo patient like me.
It was passed down from my dads side of the family my aunt, cousin and great grandma all had schizophrenia. For that I will never have kids. I don’t want to punish any soul who gets reincarnated into schizophrenic genes. Seriously its like punishment. But my mum had 4 kids and I was the only one who became sick. We all did drugs and alcohol so why me. Why mental illness for me. Fuck.
I looked up what it is like to live with schizophrenia. I found this link: http://onemansblog.com/2007/06/13/what-its-really-like-to-be-schizophrenic/
I feel for you and your struggles. I don’t mind if the video is what you experience but it opened my eyes… I knew the clinical aspects of schizophrenia but not an illustration.
I don’t have enough data on my phone to check it out. But I hear voices inside then I also hear voices on the outside as if someone is shouting or talking to you. Then what makes it a little bit more difficult is when voices happen on the outside it can happen or coincide with when others are talking like I’m possessed by god lol. So with all that and trying to make life a little more liveable its tough. Crazy hey 🙂 but I’m not saying my pain is worse than yours or anyone elses
Greetings. Why are people so eager to know the outcome ? We are living in this exact moment, not in the outcome. Life is a collection of moments of different kinds. Some of them appeal to one whilst some terrify. If you really enjoy contemplating the beauty of the existence (world, in particular) then you might as well consider staying here a bit longer. Give moments a chance & try living as you’d like rather than living abiding by a set of social rules. Capture nature, listen to it’s soothing melodies, let the sprouts grow and wake up from the winter slumber!
P.S. : Sorry if Hikari misunderstood something. Have a nice day! 🙂
Knowing the outcome can bring relief to knowing that ones plight is not in vain. Knowing the outcome can also bring an understanding as to the length of time one must endure, especially when dealing with mental illesses.
Hey Markman Prophecies,
(Mothman Prophecies movie with richard gere 6/10)
I read it all. I dont believe in mental illness for starters. I believe the mind is a part of what we call the “soul” so I’m inclined to believe it’s soul sickness. An ailment of the heart or deeper issue manifesting in the precarious mind.
So, if mental illness is indeed a deeper issue then that means our existing “one size fits all” treatments such as medication, psychotherapy and CBT are ill equipped to say the least. I believe we all have our own treatment and remedy inside of us. An answer waiting to be unlocked. It takes time to come to that realization however. Much pain is how my eyes were slowly opened.
I hear fireworks. What the fuck. Today is not a holiday but I’ll take it. Either that or gun shots. Anyway.
I think that as intense as your internal world sounds to be – being devoid of emotion and feeling robotic – I feel as though there is an answer coming to you soon. Just hold on. You’re worthwhile enough for a solution to your pain. You need to know that. We all are.