I’ve always had a theory. Our lives comprises of mainly two distinct aspects, “professional” and “personal” and we’ll need either of the two to at least find a reason to survive. Well, I got none at this point. I’m neither a person with an an amazing career worthy of mention or a perfectly polished personality nor am I a happy unicorn with a handful of moments to remember when I die. I feel I’m the poorest among billions of souls in this world right now.I’m scattered in pieces searching for my identity and I feel I’m doing some kind of favor to the world by being invisible while I do that. However, my story used to be a little different. I had a strong “professional” side of me and I decided that I needed to run instead of walking on my way to success to compensate for the loss of that personal happiness I craved all along but didn’t find any. I reached at the top and realized I was empty inside and I had to pay a very hefty price for everything I achieved. Money and medals don’t make up for an ounce of my loss and sacrifice. I was running in the race alone and I feel like an idiot winning that. I should have known I wouldn’t be that same person forever. I had to come out of that bubble and realize my life for the black hole that it is.It is going to suck me until I disappear.I lost my battle with life some four years back. Since then,I’ve completely given up.I don’t know who I am/who I want to be anymore and I simply lost all my former glory. I am exactly what I feared I’d be, a pathetic loser.
These four years I had a painful expedition of finding myself and as you can see, I’ve failed miserably. I’ve come to realize that I simply don’t have fun, love, satisfaction or happiness written in my life. I want to die but I’m a coward. I can’t kill myself. Now that I am compelled to breathe, I’ve decided for the umpteenth time to return back to my bubble. Since the “personal” part is nowhere to start with, I think I must rescue the other part. How else could I survive other than that! Also let me share a small secret. My instincts tell me I don’t have many years to endure because I have been restless and rushing to the finish line from the start. So if I could somehow work to throw my emotions out of me and make it even for a couple of years, that’d be great. Its superhuman to say that but being robotic is my last resort. I have a very little time but I need to work on this one thing. If I succeed, it could mark my comeback. It isn’t worth much but having something is still better than having nothing. Who says everyone in the world needs to be happy.
I know that it could turn out to be a massive failure like everything else I tried. Also, I wouldn’t like you to mistake me for an extra-ordinary talent. I wrote my success stories with enormous sacrifices and determination and believe me, it is no fun doing that. I also think my post makes no particular sense. Thank you for reading it though. If I happen to actually make it, that would be a miracle. If not, this site will always be there.(n sry for my bad english, I think I’m improving though.)
4 comments
All the money in the world doesn’t create internal peace. It does, however, remove the external blocks toward finding peace. I’d say keep searching for that part of you inside that makes you real. Have you ever smoked pot? If not, a couple hits might open your mind to aspects of life you’ve been missing. If not pot, enroll in a genuine yoga class. Not a class at the gym, but one from a true instructor. Or take a tai chi class. Get a relaxing professional massage. You seem not to be relaxed enough to search inside.
Any feedback?
You know,four years is a long time to search sth, that too inside of yourself. For the past two years, I have been idle. I’m supposed to be relaxed since I’m not doing anything at all. Except fot that pot smoking part, I’ve tried some others that you mentioned. I think I’m tired of trying to relax and find inner peace. Thanks for your valuable comment.
Actually your english is pretty good. In the end i guess we just do whatever we have to do to keep going while we want to, but i’m not so sure if deciding to go back to what you were before is your best bet. There is a reason why you stopped going on that path before, otherwise you would have kept going ahead without questioning it, but you do have your reasons and to be honest i kinda relate. If anything, good luck on whatever you end up doing, i don’t doubt that you can achieve whatever you set out to do.
Thanks Mf. I understand your advice to not go back. I don’t think it is the best idea either. What can I say, I’ve never received the best of anything so I somehow feel like I don’t even have to search for the best. Even today when I think of starting over again, my biggest fear is that I’d end up in the same situation I’m in some couple of years later. So I don’t have the enthusiasm to do anything. Since I can’t live in the proper way, I’d a least survive the least painful way possible.