My name is jon im 15 and i guess i have social anxiety. i’ve always been very shy when I was younger and never really had any close friends. I went to school knowing I had no friends but I didn’t care because I really loved learning and that was the motivation I had for going. In the beginning of 4th grade I was diagnosed with leukemia (which is a type of cancer) and had to be taken out of school for 2 months. when I returned everyone acted so nice towards me for the rest of 4th and 5th grade and I still really loved school. In 6th grade I switched schools and got bullied ALOT for having cancer. I had no friends in this school and was losing my motivation and passion for learning. I would skip school at least once a week to stay home and do nothing all day. this is when I started to get social anxiety and I would not be able to wake up in the morning because I would be too scared to go back to that school and get judged/bullied by all most everyone. So in 7th grade my mom put me back into my old school, which was even worse. My old “friends” didnt say a word to me when I came back that year. It felt like everyone was avoiding me. I was still skipping school because I had no motivation to go anymore. I met this kid that i never talked to in 4th and 5th grade and he was really nice. we talked in school and on skype, but then all of a sudden he started acting so mean to me and getting other people to treat me like shit. In 8th grade he invited me over his house with 4 other boys for a sleepover just to make fun of me all night. I just wanted to call my parents so bad to take me home. I could not get away from the bulling and the torture and all this anxiety. i needed someone to talk to or help me. the person i needed never came. I swear I never did anything to these people. im really quite in real life and would never start a fight with anyone. I value other peoples feelings just as my own and would never want anyone to feel the way I have felt for the past 4 years of my life. In school when i was asked to read/present a project in front of the class my heart would start racing and It felt like I was gonna pass out. I could not read correctly because of this and everyone in the class would just sit there and laugh at me when it happened. The only way to get away was to stay home. I hardly graduated because I missed so many days of school. I felt like the only real way out was suicide. The summer right before high school i told myself this was my chance to make friends and start enjoying school again. but when i started high school i went for 2 weeks and didn’t make a single friend. I would just sit alone at lunch everyday for those 2 weeks then I decided I didn’t want to go to school anymore and wanted to be home schooled. One of the bullies from my old school was going to the same high school as me and once again he got everyone to hate me 2 weeks in. I was home schooled this year and I still have no friends and im really lonely. even though im not in school and don’t have these social panic attacks I really need a friend or someone to talk to. I just sit home all day and play games on my computer or watch anime, if I didn’t have those 2 thing s I would have probably killed myself by now. its kinda sad that the only things keeping me alive are completely fake. My parents and my therapist are forcing me to go back to high school this upcoming year. I dont think things are gonna work very well. I want the pain to stop but I don’t want to die. please help me. Sorry if I’m just rambling at this point I have not slept in 2 days because ive been so paranoid.