I just need someone to listen, to hear me, to understand me. I’m so tired of people thinking the “smart, pretty” girls have it all. I don’t. I don’t think that just because you are good looking, or smart, or popular, or even a nice person, that it should cancel out feelings of a different caliber. But society thinks it does. Because people think I have it all, I should be happy. I surely don’t have it all, just keeping up with appearances. I fake it and I fake it well.
I don’t have any one specific reason to hate myself, I just do. I hate that I’m alive, hate that every day I hurt so much I beg God to just end it all, hate that I can’t get motivated. I’m jealous of everyone that has the guts to do it because I don’t. I’ve been wanting to for about 8 years now, and it’s a constant struggle knowing that my one and only way to end my pain is the one thing I’m to weak to do.
I wish I could tell you why I feel this way, that there is some ex responsible, or that I lost my job but sadly, no. I’m just a sad, depressed pretty girl that no one takes serious. I’m so sick of people ignoring my cries for help, for yelling at me to get up and get over this, for not understanding, for telling me it will be ok. I hate this life, it’s one not worth remembering.
I’ve been lurking on this site on and off for a while now and I’m hoping that now I’ve made an account, I can find people who understand how I feel. No, I don’t want to hear it’s going to get better from a person who doesn’t even know how bad “it” is, I want to hear the truth from people who actually know how I feel.
Why can’t I be happy? Why can’t I think the sun is beautiful instead of hating it for bringing me to another day? Why can’t I be happy that I’m alive instead of wishing for a car accident or cancer to kill me? And why do I not want to feel better? Because by now I don’t, I’d rather just die.
I’m sorry, I just had to get it off my chest. It was either here or a hotline and I just don’t want the bullshit and lies anymore.
Thanks guys 🙂
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11 comments
Yeah. Its funny cause online I usually get people talking to me because of my looks but in real life people actually avoid me now cause of my face tattoo. Ive had even some people on this site comment that because im good looking i shouldnt be depressed. Looks have nothing to do with it. if anything it can be a curse sometimes too because people will be nice to you only for them.
Looks money and possessions mean dick all when it comes to depression and existential crises. Fuck thats our culture though. A sociery of aesthetics
Hmm, never thought about a face tattoo although I have to admit, I’d be the girl who would talk to you BECAUSE of your face tattoo. I can hear them all now “but you were so good looking, why’d you ruin your face like that?”.
I hate our society. I hate how they judge. I got a Kurt Vonnegut tattoo, taken from Cats Cradle and man, do people squirm when they read it. I fucking love it and it’s probably one of the few true joys I get out of life.
“A society of aesthetics”. Yet not one of them makes any of us feel better. The irony of this is almost beautiful.
yeah im sure if my parents or extended family saw it they would say that to me. maybe that was a subconscious reason i got it? destroy something beautiful. idk. i like it most of the time.
what does your tattoo say? i have another tattoo on my lower abdomen by Hemingway. It reads “For him it was a dark passage which led to nowhere, then to nowhere, then again to nowhere…” So dark but so true.
If happiness was a decision why wouldn’t we all just decide to be happy? And if it were tied to looks money and success wouldn’t Robbin Williams still be alive?
I know 🙁 Poor a Robin Williams. I can’t believe it still.
Decisions, decisions. I’m not good at making those either, but if I could I would chose happiness. I so desperately want to feel something besides gut wrenching hurt, sadness, hopelessness.
It’s so frustrating that we can’t just chose, and that society thinks we can.
I feel the same way, also without any reason. I can’t think of more to say right now, but I wanted you to know someone else understands. 🙂
Thanks Trix. I don’t wish this crap feeling on anyone but I want to thank you for being honest. Most people say they understand and I can tell they don’t. You know how? They say it will pass, to look at them, you just have to want it. Yeah, silly me. This whole time I wanted to hate myself and die. I don’t understand why people have to be so thoughtless. I literally just had someone tell me I just have to get a job I like and I’ll stop being depressed. Pretty simple huh? I hate our society.
Your post however, felt more sincere than anyone in my world (except you awesome people on SP) and I am so grateful for it.
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I think people have a huge misunderstanding of depression. A lot of people seem to think it’s just being sad or a bit low or lost. People who say things like ‘you just have to want it’ have never experienced this.
I’m the same as you. People always tell me I look pretty, I’m smart, and have a good paying job and they don’t understand why I’m depressed. They say my life is perfect and I don’t deserve to be depressed. Then I feel guilty because I’m wasting all of this “perfect” stuff I have with my depression. I have no idea why I’m depressed, I just am. It’s not like I want to be. I’m 20, I should be out having fun and enjoying life.
It doesn’t make sense.
Depression knows no bounds. It doesn’t differentiate from sex, race, age. It is evil and not well understood though there is a better rudimentary understanding now than from earlier days.
Sometimes there are “reasons” but sometimes there are not. It is never fair for someone to say “you shouldn’t be depressed”… that is a judgemental statement. Rather, it should be asked and discovered the underlying reasoning if there is one… sometimes there simply isn’t one and it is the way it is.
Depression isn’t an illness that necessarily has reasons.
Thank you for this. I still spend days trying to figure out what went wrong but I guess I need to just realize a reason doesn’t have to exist. Which kinda makes me feel better.