I don’t know how to even begin with how I feel. My heart has been running on overdrive and I’m seriously on E. I can be fine one afternoon or night to turn around and be in agonizing pain the next. My heart literally hurts. I never thought heart break could be so agonizing.
Ive written my goodbye letter. There’s nothing I could say to my family and friends. They wouldn’t understand. They all right now tell me to give it time, leave him alone. I just wish he would talk me down from this ledge I’m on. I’ve called, emailed, texted, Skyped. He ignores me on them all. I told him I was in a dark place. That I needed my best friend back. And he wouldn’t even flinch.
It’s crazy how last week he called the cops on me for being depressed and admitting I wanted to hurt myself. And now I’m in a all time low, worst than before, and he just blows me off.
I know I’ve hurt him and pushed him past his breaking point. But I just want to make things better. I want to rebuild our life, our dreams. I want him to feel good about himself and our relationship. I want to laugh again and be whole. I want him back so bad.
I know how I’m gonna do it. I know the song that’s going to be on repeat. I know he won’t come back. I know he has nothing to do with me. But this his love is everything to me. He put me up so high and now I’m so low. I can’t just be okay. I can’t just bounce back from this. I’ll never find someone who cared about me more than he did. I’ll never want to be touched by someone else. If I walk away and decide not to do this. I’ll be in town full of strangers. I won’t have any family here. Just me against the world.
Im tired of walking down the broken road.
11 comments
He called the cops because he cares. He ignores your messages because he needs space. This is not contradictory, this is normal.
Are you killing yourself because you are in pain or to punish him? He certainly won’t remember your relationship fondly if the epilogue contains your death.
You may not bounce back, but you can grow back. Your old relationship with him may not return, but a new one with him may flower. Is your love selfish or altruistic?
It’s OK to be selfish. It’s OK to hurt. These things are OK because You Are Human. Being human means life will have moments of rage and fear and sadness right alongside love and courage and happiness.
The key is knowing your heart. Accepting change. Being ready to do good. Accepting good done to you.
I appreciate what you wrote. It makes me feel good. I pray for a good change.
When someone needs space and they don’t get it, they keeping moving further away. One thing I learned is that even though I have mental illness, it isn’t my fault I was born this way, I can’t expect people to be ok with being around me. I am emotionally draining on others at times. I am financially draining on them sometimes. Most people can not handle it. I have come to except this. I try to find something everyday to hope for that keeps me going. Something I want to find out they may take a while for the answer. I hope you find something. Never kill yourself over someone else or a relationship. It should be well thought out. It is permanent.
He can’t be responsible for your mental well being. It’s a lot of pressure to keep someone from spinning out of control. Can you imagine for a moment feeling completely responsible for someone’s mental well being? Maybe in the beginning it would be okay, because you love them. But soon it would taint your entire relationship. Walking on eggshells, afraid of being honest because you don’t know how they will react, it would look less and less like love every single day.
Love hurts, break ups hurt, life hurts. Don’t get better for him, get better for you. You matter. It will probably still hurt tomorrow and the next day…but as time passes, it will hurt a little less. It’s such a cliche, that time heals. I don’t mean it that way, i mean it as time helps us move forward. I believe you do love him, but you need to love you too. It’s okay to feel sad and emotional, that is part of being human and getting your heart broken. You are not over emotional, you are just surviving a break up. We all react differently. It’s valid.
I hope you stick around, keep posting here. It cam help to let it out to strangers.
I don’t want him responsible for my mental well being. I just needed him to listen. No one knows my desires except for you all who read my posts. He’s always been here for me, through good and bad. I moved here to be with my sister who is now gone. He is the only person I would call family, a close friend or anything along those lines.. I can’t explain how I fully feel to my friends. The people I know here are not even close to me in the slightest way. He is the only one I trust in a six hour time frame. Losing him, I lose everything. The way I see it, is I try to get better mentally. I try to heal myself. Living alone, not even a pet for company and try to not remember why the hell im so far from home. And it’s heart breaking. Maybe I could get better. Maybe I could forget him and move on. But it’s not what I want
You can’t lean too hard on him. You can’t do this by yourself. The logical conclusion is you need to find a therapist and get a rescue cat. 🙂 Or better yet! A therapist that works in a cat sanctuary. 🙂 🙂
I can relate to this so much. I read ur other post too. I’ve recently had by heart broken by the person I had planned to spend the rest of my life with. I have acted like a complete lunatic, emailed & called him so many times. He doesn’t respond. Heartbreak is completely agonising I know. I’ve tried to kill myself a few times since it’s happened. Now he definitely doesn’t love me & thinks I’m a crazy female. There’s many reasons why I want to kill myself, not having him is just the final trigger for me. Don’t act out of impulse though, it sounds like you still want to kill yourself but your life is worth more than him. I’m a complete hypocrite because I’m still planning to kill myself lol, but just so you know ur not the only one in this kinda situation & feeling this way. It sounds like u still have hope for ur relationship though? This sounds weird but I hope u can email me because I can really relate. Let me know if u can. (I’m a 24yr old female, not some creepy old man btw! I don’t there are too many creepy old men on this site anyway)
I am a creepy old man, so if anyone has any creepy old questions, feel free to direct them to me. I promise I’ll give you creepy new answers.
Haha, don’t mean to offend any creepy old men out there ?
And by creepy I mean like murderers, rapists etc….I’m sure that ain’t you….;)
True story: first date with a nice tiny woman we take my car. I obviously have something hidden in the back under a tarp. I won’t let her look. It makes her worried.
We have a great time. At the end of the date I pull back the tarp and there are flowers for her.
“Oh,” she says, relieved. “I was worried you were a serial killer!”
“Not today,” I replied dryly.
We dated for five years after that. She never did completely figure me out, but that made things kinda fun.