Dear mom,

I shall never have the guts to tell you this but I’m sorry to have inherited your unhappy traits. However, I want to assure you that I’m going to end this “unhappy breed” in my generation. I’m so sorry to have questioned you why you brought me to this world. I can guess as a mother, it must have hurt you very much. I’m even sorrier that the question came from the bottom of my heart. I’d like you to know that every time you leave my room after a bitter conversation with me and sob in the middle of the night in the kitchen, I’m also crying ten folds, hiding inside my blanket. Mom, you live for me but I’m sorry I can’t do the same for you. I have seen your sadness and imperfections all my life and they totally resonate with mine. I’ve closely analyzed how badly you want to be loved by my father and how he treats you like dirt. I’ve known all along how happy it would make you to see me happy. I can’t even do that for you. I’m sorry I turned out to be the most despicable daughter who can’t even fake a smile for her mother. I should never be forgiven for blaming you for all my failures. I know it is not your fault that the world you created is self-destructive. I know you are trying so hard to keep our family united but how can you not know by now that it isn’t meant to be that way at all. We’re like broken souls suffocating and strangling each other. The truth is, we’re both unhappy because our happiness lies in somebody/thing else and we’re simply not born for that.

This day at this very point, I’d like to say that I feel you mom. I can now understand why you sometimes cover your face with blanket while in bed the moment I get inside. I can sense why you look so tired and worn-out all the time. I now understand the meanings of the sad songs you used to play over again and again. Mom, you’re great and you deserve better. You have struggled all your life and the struggles never seem to end. You’re half-alive but still fighting. My struggles are nothing compared to yours.  I’m going to have to do the same but I’m sorry I don’t have the courage to. You gave it your all to prevent that and yet, your daughter turned out to be just like you. You’re gonna have to put up with that fact as I will have to put up with my failure to make a difference. In fact, I’m way to useless and cowardly to compare myself to you. I blame you, and you accept it. I shout at you and you simply shed tears. Please don’t love me anymore and push me from your side. But, I know you’d never do that. I think no matter what, you’ll forgive me because you’re mom. But, I want you to know I’ll never forgive myself. I have great resentments towards your god who never answers your prayers. That is what made me an atheist. I’m sorry for causing you pain but I’m in a great pain myself and I deserve more. You’ve lived your fair share in this pathetic world and up next is my turn. I love you mom, maybe you’ll never know.