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Emptiness

by kindofblues

I am still here.

It seems as if it is just one disappointment after another. I have everything I need to “punch in my ticket,” yet instill I hesitate. My friend said something is keeping me here, keeping me from committing the final deed. I don’t know what it is but I want to find it. I am tired of the monotony of life and just want to be okay again. I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist on and off for about three years now and it doesn’t seem like it is working. I don’t feel intense emotions anymore and all I do is sleep on the coach and go to work. Nothing that I used to do brings me any joy just a hollow feeling of nostalgia. Then I turn to SP to sympathize with people with depression and mental illnesses alike. Is this is what my life destined to be? Now they are talking about me to undergo Electroconvulsive Shock Therapy. I can just end it easily at any moment, but because it has to be perfect I am still here hating myself. Any other person in this situation would have already done it. It has to be done because things are going to get far worse before they get better, but maybe I am a masochist just enjoying the self torment my mind puts me through. I just want it all to stop and go back to how I was seven years ago before my depression, but it never will. It never will.

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SeeSmith 9/27/2015 - 3:09 pm

My Dad and I campaigned hard against ECT 30+ years ago. Things are much more nuanced now. Personally I would try this new Ketamine treatment that’s been in the news recently. Not many psychiatrists do it, though.

Just being able to maintain is a huge accomplishment. Taking the next step is very tough. Your psychologist should be pushing you to do things outside your comfort zone. You’re probably at the point where you need to embrace thinking good thoughts about yourself every day, just like brushing your teeth and washing your hands.

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