Things lately have been pretty hard for me, going to my mom’s house and therefore leaving my dad’s house. My parentes breakup was something that really has affected me, before that I can’t remember a single thing in my life that isn’t perfect. I know my memory may be deceiving me but if it’s how you remember it, being real or not, for you it really happened. Memories can be so deceiving, but I know a perfect life or time doesn’t exist, life isn’t something this easy but I guess if it was there would be no fun in it, right?
Well, my father has depression and when he complains about college with me it really shakes him up and I simply can feel the sadness he feels by seeing his son don’t taking care of his future, he even cries very often when I’m out, he gets pretty bad VERY easily. I know he cares, but… Last year I had to take a medicine because I had some king of paranoia, had fear of things that didn’t exist or are almost impossible, I really believed it could happen anytime and I felt it so often, there was times in which I felt every single day.
Fear of someone stabbing in the back while you walk in the street? Check
Fear of having some sort of disease and don’t having more than one week of life? Check
Fear of very close relatives killing you out of nowhere? Check
Thinking that when someone is being very nice with you it’s because you are gonna be used? Check
Fear of getting struck by a car while crossing the street? Check
Fear of being attacked by some sort of demon while it was dark? Check
Fear of crossing the gap on the subway? Check
Fear of killing myself when holding a knife? Check
Fear of someday you have a desire to kill your parente in a moment of rage? Check
About the last one, I don’t know why but for a long time I wanted to kill someone just to know how it would feel, how good it could be to see the terror in their faces, what’s weird is that I didn’t like to hurt people and even thought of it while I was happy, I force myself to think I shouldn’t worry but still it troubles me, could I become some kind of monster someday? I really don’t want to but I’m a little scared of the future, of what’s coming ahead of me, having a low self-steem surely doesn’t help too.
Well, I had to keep this medicine to solve that, specially because my uncle has esquizophrenia, so I have a higher chance of having it, so to avoid having my first hallucination that would start a disease like that (which has no coming back and only gets worse over) I had to solve this problem, the problem is, the medicine really affected me in some terrible ways, I was always down, feeling unable to do anything and not feeling pleasure for anything and I had to endure it for a whole year I only could do it because I also started taking anti-depressants to help my live with the depression I already had for a very long time (since I was 10, I suppose, I get down out of nowhere pretty often), I also started taking a medicine to make me more emotionally stable and a stimulant to help me keep going. At the end of the year I stopped taking the medicine because I simply kept forgetting and realized I got better so I started to reduce the portion I took everyday until I completely stopped. I started getting better after that, but after living hell for a year, yeah it still hurts me and really made my confidente drop a lot, also my mind changed so much and got even darker after that, also during this time I got a little farther to people who are important to me and I seriously obsessed over it and still do it even now even if not in the same degree, I still couldn’t fix everything that I could have broken last year. But I’m gonna try, I tried some times but ended up falling and therefore falling many times, I got up countless times too and for the last month I got really down, but I realized I have always gotten farther each time and if even it was hard it made me feel a lot better, so I will keep moving forward.
Also, I may have lost some people but I ended up finding out those who really care about me, who will stay by my side no matter what, I have so many people that are precious to me, so many things I want to do, to buy, I just can’t forget any of it, my desires, dreams and specially those whose I happen to love.
2 comments
You sound like a brave person. I hope you hold onto those precious things and keep trying to move forward. The part about wanting to kill someone: I think when you’ve come to a really, really dark place in your mind, you can start desiring things or imagining things that you couldn’t explain and you’d never usually want to happen. Not everyone gets that ill, but when they do, most people will have dangerous thoughts. You’re obviously working hard to get better so I don’t think you need to fear becoming a monster.
Best of luck with everything. 🙂
Thanks, It may seem like a small thing but being able of sharing it with someone, having someone that simply listens to me makes all the difference, advices too are very very important, I’m gonna move forward be sure of that. In the end what saves me is my gratitude, that is why I can keep going and how I sometimes can simply be happy.