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Ok, so suicidal thoughts linger. Will they ever totally dissipate? Perhaps or perhaps not. I don’t really know. If I had to say, I would lean towards they will lighten but never just go away. Once you learn know or relaize something, it’s not like you can just purposely unknow or unrealize it. The partial truth behind ingnore is bliss. So with acceptance of the fact I may never be able to fully revert from suicidal thoughts and desires leads me to the question of what can I do to cope with them? My mind running on the topic of ways to kill myself and “planning” but not actually planning with various methods can keep me awake more nights than I care. I’m a very reason based detail oriented analytic type person. Once the topic takes root it becomes an internal emotional and intellectual debate over why and how. Down to the finest details. And I’m really not looking to commit suicide currently. Anyways, I was hoping that maybe I could get some insight on ways that others have learned to cope with this if you can relate. Mabey by an action or activity or some type of therapy or medications or what? For I simply pour myself into work to leave me less time to accidentally be thinking on these things, but it keeps me on the border of exhaustion and throws me across that border very quickly with the hours I lose of sleeping due to these thoughts. I need a healthier and better way of coping with this.

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Trix 9/28/2015 - 9:38 pm

Phew… sorry this turned out so long! I hope there’s something in there that could be of use.

I’m not sure this will be helpful, because I see it in quite a different way. I hear people talk about depression and suicidal thoughts as knowledge or realisation. Sometimes people talk about it as though it’s helped them see the world as it really is. But I feel it really limits me. It’s like a block on most parts of my mind… like I’m caged into a small place where I can only experience certain thoughts and feelings. Sometimes I’m amazed by the force of depression, and it couldn’t only be described as a limitation, but I feel that’s a part of it.

For me the struggle involves trying to widen that small place that I’m left with. Sometimes I can push the wall a little, and I can breathe more. The thoughts dissipate temporarily. Eventually I hope to smash it down until one day I can just walk over it. I refuse to accept that this is just something some people have to live with. Since I finally understood that I had depression, I went through years thinking that it would come, but it would leave again, and that was the best way I could look at it. Now it’s stuck, and since then I’ve heard of people who have shifted it and managed to keep it at bay for the rest of their lives. I could be deluded, but I truly hope that’s possible for anyone, although obviously not everyone will manage it.

I spent a long time trying to distract myself. I haven’t been less depressed but I just realised that lately I’ve been trying to face my mind as it is (through meditation and mindfulness), and that’s a huge step forward from the last several years where I ran and ran from it because I felt essentially like it was trying to destroy me. Right now I believe that’s the key. To learn to accept your mind as it is, but with the long goal of changing it. The suicidal thoughts begin in the mind, and for me my depression began in my mind (as long ago as I can remember)… it seems that the only place to change it is in the mind. If you’re deeply depressed or suicidal, distractions are necessary, but you’re likely to return to those feelings and thoughts at some point. So I do think you need more, although they’re valuable.

That’s just my current perspective. To be more helpful though – one thing I found really helped me was physical exercise. Any type. I did exercise videos at home. To begin with it was in a desperate attempt to lose weight, but eventually I grew to love them. They really did lift the depression, although mainly only while I was exercising. It helped a lot. You know how some people take anti-depressants and they don’t cure them of depression but they take the edge off? None of the pills I tried worked, but that’s what exercise did for me. I know some people would find it could have a much bigger part in curing them. If possible, I think it’s great to train both your body and your mind. I’m interested in meditation and similar techniques, but I find them incredibly hard for the obvious reason: when you let your mind be as it is, it comes back to the suicidal thoughts and to the pain. I’ve been trying meditation-like exercises for a few weeks now and I’ve seen a couple of differences, although fleeting, that were small but meant the world to me. And I’m finding it easier to just exist when I do it. It’s not necessarily something I would suggest (I found other people’s experiences inspiring for a long time, but I’ve hardly tried it yet so I can’t attest to much), but I do think the best way to find peace in the mind is by looking at the mind itself.

EvilOni22 9/28/2015 - 10:15 pm

I understand what your saying to being limited as opposed to open. And I would certainly agree with you. It’s limiting. It’s debilitating for some people. I don’t see it as being truly enlightened or what not…….to put it behind a metaphor it’s like someone who does not know the law of the land they are in. Laws in short limit people. For the better or worse is another thing and most would consider better but they still limit you. Well if that person is unaware of the laws, the understanding of that limit does not exist so the feeling of construction cannot be experienced. But once that persons knowledge expands to include the laws the understanding of the limits feeling boxed in can proceed. Knowledge or understanding seldomly only brings you more freedom or truly opens things up. I hope you can understand what I’m trying to say. It’s poorly said. But ultimately you found it in excercise and now mixing meditation. And I’m am glad that worked for you. Thank you for the reply in a coping method. I attempted working out, but my job is physically demanding and it’s honestly too much on me to work then work out. I tried it for months and it was the perfect distractions for me. But I was becoming ill to frequently and what not from not letting my body rest enough. Medications did take the edge off for me. But then they went further than that. The doctors took me off one cause it was making me shake. Looked like I had Parkinson’s. The other ones were killing my short term memory. I was losing everything no matter how hard I tried not to. Couldn’t remember just five minutes ago no matter what. It sucked. I’ve been looking for a hobby or something but just still lack interest in really anything so I don’t know what to do.

hollylion 11/25/2015 - 7:06 pm

Hi J, I remember you posting back a long time ago when I used to post here. I remembered you and the things that happened and decided to see if you were still on here. Sadly I see you came back to here, as did I. Every thing had turned out perfect for me, but I screwed it all up and I’ve never been more serious about suicide than ever before.

Anyway, I hope things will get better for both of us. If you ever want to talk just email me at arinami86@gmail.com.

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