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I Know

by BluDude976

I already know how it’s going to end for me. My life has been a never ending nightmare and it’s getting worse not better. I grew up severely neglected in hellish poverty, my first suicide attempt was in high school, I don’t have actual friends just people that know who I am, my biological relatives hate me because I’m gay, I’ve had every horrible job a person can have even though I went to college, I have a mountain of debt from college, the only man I love won’t have anything to do with me, and in 2010 I snapped and drank a glass of antifreeze. I ended up in the hospital and was put on dialysis. I had to move in with my mother and I’m reminded every day that I’m the family reject. Last March I ended up in the hospital because I had trouble breathing was kept for a week and only recently found out I have Broken Heart Syndrome. I take huge amounts of medication for Major Depression, PTSD, and Agoraphobia. I have to take extra medication for the heart issue. I was told by hospital staff I can’t work for now and even though I applied for Social Security Disability in March, I still haven’t received a dime. Everyone I’m related to is poor and miserable. And just yesterday I found an Academic article about the lethal danger of extreme isolation. My whole life has been isolation. There’s a thing called isolation madness, I think I have had it and will again. I’m so glad that it’s so easy to buy a gun in America, at least I can figure out when I need to call it day so to speak. Why live a life no one would want? I’m just going to get old and end up crazy and alone.

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BluDude976 9/21/2015 - 2:41 am

Sorry for any typos

BluDude976 9/21/2015 - 2:44 am

I’m also in horrible shape and can’t motivate myself to do anything. I feel like a zombie. I wrote a previous entry about my hatred of my body. If reincarnation is real I must have been a real evil ************ in a past life.

Ashley 9/21/2015 - 2:54 am

Devastating bro-sorry to hear. Many stories like this here. We’re social animals-we need human contact, just like we need sunlight, water and food and if you don’t get it, then it leads to other problems.

I can only suggest trying to re-engage with life using will-power. Find a decent job if you can, or go to college, join groups, anything you can do to re-integrate yourself into social groups.

I’ve had a set of friends for over 20 years-but I know the relationships can end at any time-because people have their own limits. So even if you make friends, it doesn’t mean they’ll be there forever…we’ve tested our limits, nearly broke them and decided to keep each other as friends.

There was a short time I felt that isolation also-lost nearly everyone in my life (arguments, etc)…but then somehow they were back and we cleared up misunderstandings. It’s funny how much I learned in terms of social skills, that I use these tactics unconsciously…but they’re essential to having good relationships. I feel now I’ve really become a good friend to my friends-I think I was ‘testing those limits’ too strenuously at times.

I truly hope you’re able to re-construct a decent life for yourself after all that you’ve suffered through.

Wanderlustbudz 9/21/2015 - 3:45 am

I’m sorry I wouldn’t know how to help
, that’s a lot to try to overcome.
I’m going to look up isolation madness, it would be nice to havean excuse for how I’m becoming ?

Wanderlustbudz 9/21/2015 - 3:50 am

I’ve been trying to get my phone to work long enough to respond to you, so just know you’re important enough to keep going rounds with this piece ofshut phone, even if my words were without depth.
I remember the first time I tried to commit suicide, my mother said to me when we’re at the hospital,
” do you know how much an ambulance cost?”
I can’t imagine that antifreeze tasting very good, if you’re brave enough to do that, you probably have it in you to figure out this mess you’re in even if it doesn’t feel like it

BluDude976 9/21/2015 - 5:03 am

I have felt like I’m in purgatory for most of my life. I tried to be the best friend, boyfriend, student, Uncle, etc. None of it made any difference. I was supposed to die when I was born and I sometimes wonder if my being here was a mistake from the start. Did you know that gay guys tend to treat each other like shit. The masculine guys abuse the femmes and if you aren’t a rich white pretty boy you better have six pack abs or you’re fucked. After 30, it’s like you’re even more hated. I know I will die alone. The constant misery has been destroying my health for years now. Without my medication I can’t function cause the thoughts in my head are so dark. I cry uncontrollably sometimes.

fp312 9/21/2015 - 1:21 pm

You’re strong enough to hold on for another day. Then try another one. Count them and write down everything positive you do from now on. They don’t have to be great, quite the opposite because a number of small things will show you you’re important. Someone’s waiting for your love out there.

BluDude976 9/21/2015 - 1:43 pm

I’ve already lost the love of my life. I posted about him “Without You”. His name is Eric Ritz. I looked at a photo of him last night and realized he never needs me. Everything and Everyone lies. People die and for people like me that’s for the best.

fp312 9/21/2015 - 4:42 pm

There might be someone else. I’m just 22 and I’ve never had a relationship so I know nothing about that, but I know someone who’s been depressive for 24 years and she didn’t expect anyone to come and then her husband appeared. Life is unpredictable.

BluDude976 9/22/2015 - 12:12 am

Never do it. A broken heart will haunt you your entire life. Time heals nothing. You see how completely unimportant you really are.

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