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I, MrSilent..

by MrSilent

Hi.. I am MrSilent. There is not much to know of me so I won’t bother with the details. I will give a very broad background of why I have chosen this name..
For years and counting, I have been silent. Silent of my emotion, silent of my thoughts and silent of my life and it’s duration. Recently, I’ve stumbled upon this community. I thought it would be quite interesting to be able to speak through text.. I have much to say but I will save most for later if I am still living. There is not a doubt that I am slowly collapsing, so, one day I will no longer be here to post for anyone who would actually read, or, see this, or, even follow each post. Some just don’t understand that being silent is the hardest for many..

Now that that’s all out of the way.., For many years, I have tried reaching out for assistance but ended up being the assistance for others. Apparently, people needed someone with ears and no mouth to speak to. I was the perfect guy for the job, of course. Hearing their stories.. I envied them. Many would claim that my mind is clouded with ignorance. I wouldn’t blame them, but at the same time, they would also be ignorant for not knowing my experiences as we all have different reactions towards the same and different scenarios and such. Therefore, it’s just a vicious cycle of people picking at each other trying to point out who’s the “real” insensitive one. But I digress.. From my perspective, these people have ideal lives from what they’ve told me and I would kill to have what they did.. So, that’s what I want to do. I want to kill for a new life.. I want to trade my life for a new one.

What’s stopping me? The fact that I must start life all over again. The fact that everything I’ve learned will be gone. My morals and perspective may even be different. This is all still giving the benefit of the doubt that there even is a chance at starting a new life after your current one has passed..

Friends, Family, Girlfriend.. All of them I love dearly.. But, I’ve never experienced being selfish. It’s always been my goal to be selfless. I need to be selfish just this once. I am going to leave them for silence in my mind and ear, rather than my mouth. I need silence. All my life, there’s been nothing but noise. I stay up every night trying to fight the loud thoughts and flashbacks. And now.. at the age of 17, I am exhausted..

Everyday is beginning to seem harder than the day before. Every night is beginning to seem longer. And all the things that have crippled me have become stronger..

If you’re still reading.., thank you. There’s a good chance people would read and say, “why are you complaining? At least you have _____,” but honestly? We all have different reactions to situations, and I would like to say that my current situations are quite unbearable for me.. All of which I will leave for people to piece together. It’ll make things interesting, plus, I really don’t feel like getting into all of it in one post. I may post a little about all of it in each post. “Little breadcrumbs,” I suppose you could call them..

If there really is anyone out there who took the time to read this, please feel free to contact me.. It would be nice to have a friend with similar intentions.. Someone to talk to, rather than just typing stuff and posting it regardless if anyone cares or not.. I am even willing to help comfort those in need. We’re all in this together. It may sound like the cheesiest thing to say, but, if you are reading this from start to finish, our minds may be in some ways alike. That’s why I say that “you’re not alone.” But, I need someone who’s going through the same thing to be able to tell me that.. It would mean the world to me.. Please. Living with a scarred mind just becomes more and more difficult. I’m sure there’s someone out there who’d understand..

mrsilent@outlook.com

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DuZo 9/30/2015 - 4:16 am

Being silent is hard. It gets hard over time, too, if you just keep bottling things up and have no where to release it all.
Through text is a good idea, and i find it works well too.

Maybe you should have let yourself feel free to ask for their assistance after you listened to all they had to say. Sort of like a trade.
Maybe next time something like that happens and someone puts you in position where you listen to their trouble and try and help, you should make yourself feel more free to ask them for a little help in return too.

You don’t have to kill for a new life. You can start over in a way.
And yeah well, no one knows if you’d really get another new life or if you’ll even be “you” anymore even if you do get another life. (if i got it right and by ‘kill’ you mean yourself).

Maybe you do need to be a little more selfish, but not in that kind of way.
Try and thinking about yourself and your gain/loss when you do the things you do and when you give so much to others.
Let yourself try and get your part too by asking for assistance and an ear rather than just listening.

People who say stuff like “why are you even complaining” aren’t ones you should listen to, at all.
Everyone has a right to complain. And no one really knows what’s really going on there.

I’m really sorry for intruding or if i said anything that might have come out as rude, but i can relate to many of the things you said so i had to comment.

Many times i was a listener more than a talker, and many times when i tried to get my turn to talk i just didn’t want to bother anyone with my stuff.
I also found myself saying how badly i want some silence, many many times. I still would but i never get any and it’s really frustrating.
You mentioned how you try to at least try and talk more through text, which is mostly what i’m doing lately and the only way i actually manage to … well, talk, at all.

I’m not really in a position where comfort would help, but i wouldn’t mind talking to you, about you, or well about anything.

I’m on DuZo[at]windowslive.com, if you want to mail me (didn’t find any contact info on your post or profile)

Trix 9/30/2015 - 6:39 am

I don’t think I can entirely relate to the silence part, although for a long time I hid how ill I was. I didn’t want to scare people. I didn’t want to talk about it because I felt like it would push me over the edge. I’ve never told most people close to me how much I’ve thought about suicide.

I think anyone who finds your post will be able to relate in some way. Everyone here has experienced pain or emptiness or loneliness of some kind, and a lot of people will fully understand that need to be to do something for yourself.

I think there’s a middle ground between trying to live with everything you experience now and dying, although I can understand if you feel that there isn’t. When you experience virtually nothing other than pain, understandably it seems permanent, endless. It’s a horrific experience and not one anybody wants to perpetuate. I don’t really believe in telling people, ‘it’ll get better’, words often given to suicidal people. Once, those words helped me. Then I realised things weren’t getting better. Besides, it isn’t something you should just leave up to fate. Often people who experience these things will experience them again in the future. It’s hard looking for ‘official’, solid help when you’re suicidal, because most organisations/doctors etc are afraid of being blamed for your possible death. They ask you to get emergency help, which in most places now is very much temporary, and people sometimes end up right where they were before.

But I do recommend seeking some kind of help before making the decision to die. It isn’t just doctors and counsellors. There are ways you can help yourself. People manage to change their entire experience of life. Talking to others who have or had the same experiences is a great start. I find it easier to talk through writing. It helps a lot to connect to people.

You’re definitely not alone. Not here. 🙂

mindlessgamer619 9/30/2015 - 6:56 am

Peace, my silent brother. I was a lot like you in high school (the quiet one). I was a bit more balanced at the time, but I always felt like the oddball… 5th grade was the worst for me… By middle school, I started my “music career”, by high school that was pretty much my identity. I spoke through music, through poetry, through storywriting (more so now than before) otherwise, I was the listener. The observer. I commented with similar sentiments on a different post, but if I wasn’t “forced” to talk (roll call, general discussion in class, counseling, etc), you would never hear a peep out of me. I hate hearing my own voice.. I abhor yelling. Silence is something comforting to me, and yet prolonged complete and utter silence drives me crazy sometimes… When you live in a world dependant on human interaction, sometimes silence isn’t as comforting, especially when you are being talked to by at least one person on a day to day…. But again, peace my silent brother. Feel free to chat anytime with me (treygo47@gmail.com). Tell me about high school, haha. We could share stories.

Darvin 9/30/2015 - 8:43 am

Your post, your words feels so familiar, i use to feel like that.
Be strong, things will get better if you believe that you can make it.
Btw feel free to email me anytime (darvin5vini@ gmail dot com), my advices may not be good but im a good listener. 🙂

SeeSmith 9/30/2015 - 9:47 am

If I was struck dumb, everyone would assume I was dead. They’d poke me with sticks to see if I reacted.

In school nobody listened to me but somehow keeping up a constant chatter made me feel less alone. So I kept at it. Eventually the urge to verbally narrarate my life was directed to writing.

Interestingly enough, last night my GF read a passage to me from a book* a friend of hers wrote. The passage was in defence of her quiet contemplative nature vs the brash, loud people (like me). I have to agree that the quiet ones are overlooked, minimized, ignored in our high volume instant gratification culture.

* (It’s called The Truth Book by Joy Castro, subtitled “escaping a childhood of abuse among Jehovah’s Witnesses,” something more than a few SP visitors have experience with. *shudder*)

mindlessgamer619 9/30/2015 - 12:19 pm

……. I was raised a Witness.. well T is. ….

StrangerUnderRain 9/30/2015 - 5:09 pm

Then i shall thank you in return for sharing this with us.. I chose to stay away from people for a reason, i became silent for a reason.. And i definitely don’t want any help or someone trying to fix me because i am beyond reach at the moment. Its not like i refuse help but i am sure none can help me, i wont tell anyone my story because i no longer trust anyone. I dont want anyone close because it will either end up me hurting u or u hurting me… The reason for my silence is because i no longer have words for anyone
I hope u understand that you dont always sort out ur problems by sorting people’s problems.. They dont offer you keys they just concepts of fake freedom you chose to believe true, you will think oh this dude is similar to my.. Ohhh i know how to get out of this and be better. Its not he presented the cure, its you chose THIS is the cure.

To be precise, everyone’s problem solution is right in front of them.. They just choose not to see it, including myself.

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