I wanted to kill myself this coming Friday. But then I got this email offering me some work. I don’t like to let people down. the work is scheduled for the Monday after my planned Friday. And I have all this “hope” inside that I can make things better, That should be a good thing, but I’m scared. I’ve gone through this cycle so many times. And after hope comes despair again. So many times have I decided on suicide but then decided against it only to come back to it again. I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.
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6 comments
I hear you. sometimes the reasons to live come back. and then they are gone again. Life sometimes does that to us. The hopelessness I think is there quite a bit of the time. I live for my kids. To give them insurance. I don’t have much else. If you are worrying about letting anyone down that is one thing. I think that you have to weigh out all of the good with the bad. But the bad is there a lot. My friend always tells me give it till tomorrow…then tomorrow. I don’t have a good answer.
That’s good, I would just take this work and just see what happens. Maybe it doesn’t work out at the end but even then you don’t lose anything. Maybe you will have a couple of exciting days, meet some people etc. Sure the hope/despair part is very exhausting, but just try to enjoy the hope part of it. Worst case scenario you’ll be back to where you started, losing nothing.
Agreed with Matel, try the job out-maybe it’ll make a difference in your life. Suicide is an option that’s always there but cannot be undone once you succeed at it.
If you go to the job, don’t do it because you don’t want to disappoint, do it for you. Do it because it might provide you with a means to live better. I completely understand the cycles. It’s like going through the stages of grief because you’re dead inside
I was about to post and read that wanderlustbudz posted exactly what i was post (regarding the doing it for you thing), so i’ll just wish you luck, a new job can change perspectives (even if it’s only for a while).
it’s not a new job. I do some part time childcare and that’s what’s on Monday. I’m subbing for an after school, program that I’ve already done before. I just like the money.