I’m that different

It’s hard to stay alive when you have nothing to live for. When the person you loved the most left and now you have no one by your side. You want to have a chance but you’re scared it won’t work. You’re scared to let go and that’s when you start to build walls around you; to protect yourself from others. You can never be the same again and it’s hard. Hard knowing that the person you were back then won’t come back. 

Am I okay? I don’t know. I feel lost and alone. I have people who love me but they could never understand what I’m going through because they didn’t lose their everything when they were young. They have their parents and siblings. I have relatives and friends, and although they may love me, it’s not what I crave for.

I want to be a normal kid. I want a mom and a dad. I want a brother. I want a home. I want to live with my parents and siblings in a home and I want to have a normal life.

I don’t say but it hurts. It hurts to have no one to call mom or dad. I don’t even know who my real dad is and I didn’t spend much time with my mom. I was always the strong one and because of that, everyone expects so much from me. I now have to fulfill that role because I don’t want to see disappointment in everyone’s face.

Sometimes, I want to be the most horrible monster I can be but I don’t know what I’m capable of. I can be the meanest person yet I’m always nice, even when I’m dying inside. I’m messed up badly.  I want to scream sometimes. I want to let it all out but if I let go, I won’t have anything else left.  I’m already broken enough and I don’t think I can ever go back to who I was.

I was a better person back then. I would smile more often and I would be more confident in myself but all that fell apart when I noticed that everything is a lie. I was the one who didn’t care what anyone thought and I always tried my best but look where that got me; I’m no one now.

People always compare me to my mom. They always talk about how she was so smart and nice and social and it’s like slapping me and telling me I’m not like her. And honestly, I’m not. I can’t be like her no matter how hard I try. I’m the exact opposite. The one that can sit in a dark room all day listening to music and not care about anything else.

I’m that different. And honestly, it doesn’t bother me anymore because I tried my hardest always and now I can’t say I care anymore because I don’t.