In a crowd alone

I got to school late today, I walked in and there were kids flooding the hallways, I just had my earbuds in and I was walking. All I could hear was my music and it’s amazing, nobody cares and that’s just the cold hard truth. They look at me and they avoid me because I am apparently “hard to approach.” It’s amazing cus I just as easily walked passed my boyfriend and all my friends, but nope not a single head turned my way. Nobody notices me. It would be like that if I were dead too cus I’m just that girl with pink hair or the girl who is always reading or I’m that quiet girl that stopped talking out of the blue. Everything was a secret cry for help. The teachers spend so much time talking about how students should look out for one another and how you can tell when somebody’s depressed even if they’re smiling. That’s not true because nobody noticed when I cut my hair super short, when I started to shut up, when I gave my stuff away, nobody noticed when I became lonely in a crowd of people. And I get it, I can’t depend on others to notice my little signals and I know I should spend on myself but leaning on something broken will eventually make you fall. I’m that broken something. If I lean on myself, I’m gonna fall. Instead of the floor, it will be off a cliff into the ocean or something. Part of me thinks that if somebody cared or noticed, it will change everything. Like everything will all of a sudden be so much better and life will be worth living. I know it’s far fetched but right now, that thought, the false hope, that is the only thing keeping me alive. That doesnt scare me anymore.