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Lost within

by Kunstkind

This is the first time I’ve done anything like this but I’m going to tell my story as best I can. I guess I’ll start by describing where I am now, physically and emotionally. I’m turned 21 this year and study engineering, of which I have completed 3 of the 8 semesters. Based on my academic record I’m a good student (or so they say) but the political situation in my country makes it difficult to acquire scholarships for one of my ethnicity (not that I need it as my family is quite well to do). Haven’t had a relationship in one year+, don’t have any friends that I care to talk to and don’t have any emotional attachment to my family except for my aunt (maybe), little sister and my dog (who all live away). I live currently with my elder brother with whom I barely speak to and have taken a year of uni to learn German full time in order to improve my job opportunities and/ or continue my studies in Germany (or so I tell myself and others).

Recently returned from a 3 month trip to Berlin financed by my father and took a German academic language proficiency test which I probably failed. Most of my days are spent watching TV till 7 a.m. now, I don’t have the motivation to do anything else and when I don’t do anything I get very anxious and self critical. It’s a way to kill my thoughts. Although my trip to Berlin was the most interesting thing I have ever done, meeting the people (artists, free spirits ,etc.) I did there ,some of which, I would like to say, are now my friends, it also broke something within me and now I’ve been emptied of all motivation for the past two months ,or rather I think it would be more accurate to say, that I have been relieved of the delusion that I ever liked studying engineering, the incessant need that I need to prove to myself that I’m better than were I come from, my family, and the endless hunger to succeed. Which is also why I flunked the test. But now without the hate, anger, stress and hunger, all I feel is empty as though I don’t care to love anything. As though I don’t know how. I feel like killing myself simply because I can’t be bothered with the effort of opening my eyelids in the mornings and closing them at night.

Well that’s all that there is from where I’m at. Now I think something from where I’m from is in order to put things in perspective for those of you who’ve had the patience read this. Growing up I never had any friends. I kept to myself and read, played pc games and watched tv. I’d skip school just to go back home. I was close to no one in my family despite, and probably because of my desperate attempts to fit in with my family. As a result my family viewed as weak for my complacent and attention seeking behaviour. I don’t remember being touched by my mother. Only the spite in her eyes as though I’m only a burden. She’d say things to friends and other family members along the lines of ” He’s simple. All he needs is food”. I don’t remember anything warm about my father when he was around. He just seemed to be an empty doormat if he wasn’t occupied with his work. My brother was and is just a narcissistic, emotionally retarded asshole (not that I’m perfect). My elder sister presumptuous, righteous and narrow minded. My younger used to talk to me only if there was no one else to talk to. I used to try to love them, hate them and now I just don’t care. Everyone in my family was and is to smaller degree occupied with a narcissistic victim complex, playing out fantasies where everyone else is the abuser and blabla. I know this because it used to be my entire world and now without it, I just feel empty and worthless.I

Since last year there has been a change in my family. My parents have become aggressively positive and chirpy without acknowledging how screwed our childhoods were. The closest to acknowledgement that I ever got was my father telling me that everyone’s childhood is traumatising, when I tried to bring it up. My mother pretends like nothing has happened, as though she never treated me the way she did, as though she never abused me as a child. Like I never tried to kill her during a psychotic episode. My brother is going through spiritual enlightenement phase and is preaching from on top of his high horse but somehow simultaneous being narcissistic as ever. My elder sister had thyroid cancer from which she now suffers permanent effects. I try my best to support her but whenever we interact I fall into this role of idiot little brother which I work to break out of. It’s as though she doesn’t see me as a human being. My little sister is much the same and I have learned to let her go. She probably just enjoys the company of others better than mine.

Now I’m sitting here in this dimly lit room with its buzzing halogen tube light, squeaky fan and a floor of disintegrating parquet. Which makes it so that its impossible to have the floor clean. I don’t feel so miserable after writing this but it appears to me that the only times I ever feel emotionally charged now is when I think about brutalizing people. I used to draw, play guitar, write  and learn languages of which now I don’t seem to have any love for.  I spend a good 12 hours of my day in bed and the rest watching tv or cooking and eating. Thinking of maybe drinking a couple litres of bleach or perhaps the classic cut along the veins. Too bad there’s no bathtub here. The shower will have to do.



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Tanyaaa 9/11/2015 - 2:55 am

From what you wrote, it sounds like you come from a family of serious, stern people who don’t enjoy life (possibly genetically low on serotonin), therefore you have learned not to enjoy life and have possibly inherited depression ie. chemically low on serotonin or some other chemical needed to feel happiness or joy. If you have not tried antidepressants I think you should and see if you can elevate your mood, if it does improve your mood then maybe you can get enough energy up for changing your environment and getting away from your family, because it sounds like they are just bringing you down.

notworthremembering 9/11/2015 - 2:56 am

Reading your story was like reading my own in some ways. I came from a family of addicts, half of whom are dead from overdosing, and the other half in denial. I kept to myself as a kid when I was home and read and read and read. I dove into sports, school, academics and got scholarships to top universities for med school. And three years in, I quit. It’s a long story but it sums up as: anxiety, money, I don’t care. It’s been a couple of years now and I struggle to finish some sort of degree mostly because I just lost motivation. I was like you with the need to succeed, always taking classes at university level in high school and graduating early. One semester I failed trigonometry which was out of character for me since I’m an A student. After I survived that, I realized who cares about perfect grades and being top of the class.
I know it’s tough but you have to try and find what makes you feel better. Sometimes we are so strongly set on our goals that as we change, we don’t realize our goals may be changing too. I would finish your studies because it sounds like your path to a better future and possibly better opportunities. But you’ll never know if you don’t try. And if you decide you don’t like engineering, you can always change your major and get another degree down the road.
School is tedious and depressing in itself sometimes. It is tough, if it wasn’t then everyone would do it and it would lose its meaning. But you’re an engineering major? You must be smart. Here we have what’s called STEM and it includes the hardest studies: science, technology, engineering, math. I’m in science so I understand all those physics and calculus and trigonometry classes and I understand why you may have lost your motivation. But I’m sure some of you other classes have been interesting, no?
I hope you feel better. Try to take it one day at a time 🙂

Kunstkind 9/11/2015 - 7:35 am

Thanks notworth. I feel school is not the problem though. It’s okay. I find the sciences interesting. I may not be able to pursue classes from other subjects at my university but I try to do it in my free time (all my units and engineering units, don’t have the choice). Just finished it the post. Hope you have some thoughts.

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