i don’t know if things are slowly getting better, or gearing up to get worse and this is just the calm before the storm. in any case, between my last entry nearly two months ago and today, not much has happened, except for 2 things: my dad has stopped abusing my mom while drunk (for the most part), and my suicidal thoughts have finally calmed the fuck down (at least for now). i still am living the shut-in life of an obese, unemployed 18-year-old (soon to be 19). but i’m looking to change that also, starting with a diet and exercise plan (which i am doing completely alone, without any support or enthusiasm from family/friends. pat on the back!). i want to finish school next year as well, by getting my GED. i want to lose a decent amount of weight first, which i am giving myself this winter to do, so i can actually go outside without humiliation when the time comes. am i hopeful? not really. i feel like having hope would set myself up for a big let-down. if you expect nothing from anyone, you’re never disappointed, so wrote sylvia plath. but on the flipside, you can be easily and pleasantly surprised.