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Silence is Golden

by Heartwellx

I’m beginning to lose my voice; not through a health condition or illness but because everything I say is meaningless…no one listens and I know deep down I’m not worth the time. I’m not funny and I say idiotic things, you’re suppose ignore stupidity right? I guess it makes sense now. I’ve been feeling like this hole in my chest getting deeper and deeper and I know it’ll eventually eat right through me till I’m completely erased. And to be honest, it relieves me. Maybe someday soon I’ll actually work up the courage to finally do it. It just gets so lonely.

It hasn’t always been this way, I’m sure it was that way for a lot of us. It started off as whispers telling me to give up in middle school and developed into voices saying I was never good enough in high school. Now they’re screams repeating no one cares anymore in my mind. In high school I was able to drown it out for moments at a time because of the friends I made and by trying to keep myself occupied. After graduation, I started to do nothing and it all came back.

Since then I have moved three hundred miles away from home. I found someone who I thought could give me the support I needed and we’re engaged now, but he’s starting to see more and more of this side of me and I can feel the disgust and regret in his voice. I’ve tried to explain my feelings as best I could but in the end I only made a fool of myself. I’ve told him that I need help but his response was so bland, “then get help”. It’s not what he said but how, like its a chore now. I’m a chore now to him, nothing but an obligation. He should be with someone more put together, he knows it deep down but his love for me has molded into pity. I guess he thinks I’d do something stupid if he left and chances are that I would but not here.

I’ve tried making friends here but I have forgotten how. No one laughs at my jokes anymore and I’m easily talked over which I guess is okay, I’m going to say something stupid anyways. I don’t have anyone to tell these things to, I don’t think I ever did to be completely honest. I just feel so isolated, so alone and unloved. I want to feel better but I don’t see it as possible. I wish I could just sleep forever. At least my dreams are peaceful.

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okatonshadow 9/29/2015 - 9:20 pm

I have recently moved as well, and I know exactly how you feel. I have never been out spoken, but there were always people who listened to me. Dreams might be peaceful, because you will wake up. There aren’t really highs or lows. Just peaceful oblivion. But, to have happiness, you must have sadness, and everyone should have someone to talk to. Feel free to email me at any time. Anyone else can as well. Just introduce yourself as someone from this group.
Email: 07whynot07@gmail.com

Heartwellx 9/29/2015 - 9:30 pm

Thank you c,:

mindlessgamer619 9/29/2015 - 9:33 pm

Damn it. I want to help somehow… I love hugs and hugs always help, even a little… Seriously, if there was anyway that I could be a better listening ear I would be… I’ve felt that way about my voice as well ( I hate hearing my voice, I hate yelling, if I didn’t have to talk to survive, then I wouldn’t, plain and simple), If anything, know that there are people like myself who feel the same way a lot of the time..

LoveDogs 9/29/2015 - 9:48 pm

Don’t listen to the negative whispers and voices. They used to hit me also and I used to say ” negative thoughts get our of my head now” and they would go away for a while. Things have financially gotten better in my life now and the ” voices” have gotten much weaker. If they pop in my head I say ” I am stronger now–I can handle it” and the voices go away. Don’t listen to the negative voices–dismiss them as quick as you hear them.

maddie_kay 9/30/2015 - 3:09 am

He hasn’t left yet so don’t feel like he’s staying out of guilt. But he probably doesn’t know how to help and he’s feeling bad about it and getting frustrated. If you’re only relying on him, it’ll start to stress him out after a little while. I’m talking from experience, not trying to put you down or anything. I totally get wanting to tell the person you love about your feelings. It just might be easier for both of you to find other ways to express your feelings instead of only telling him all the time. I personally like to write everything down or take walks to distract me from life. It must be hard being in a new place too though. I’m really bad with talking to strangers. And when I feel like I’m starting to get comfortable with them, enough to talk about myself or make jokes, they cut me off in mid-sentence. Not everyone’s like that, but a lot are nowadays. Buy hey, no one can interrupt you on the internet, not if you’re typing messages right? You could always talk to the people on this site if you’re feeling down. They’re very supportive and understanding

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