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3 years since i last posted
Hi, I’m Annie, resident fuck up of phoenix arizona. But then again, we do have someone shooting up a highway here (in my honest opinion, i think it’s a part of the gun control movement. Shoot people and make them scared of guns, gets more people to orgasm over gun control.)
I used to post on here all the damn time as a 12-14 year old, I made friends on here that i never kept. It was like our own little community of fucked depressed people.
I don’t know how I remembered this website, but I am glad I did.
I look back at all my old posts, confused as to why I was so sad back then, because that was nothing in comparison to the years to come
I guess I don’t know how to explain where I am at without telling my life story
That’s what happens everytime people ask how I ended up like this, so I guess I’ll start on that
Me. I am 7 years old. My cousin (in her late 20s) marriesa man named Ray (in his 30s). He molests me and my sister for about 3 years, then they move 45 minutes away from us and we stop seeing them. I am 7. My parents notice I am pulling out my hair and scratching myself until i bleed. I go to a counselor and a psychiatrist. I am diagnosed with depression and given prozac. That was the end of it.
I am 10 years old. I no longer see Ray every weekend. I stop taking the prozac. I tell them i don’t like how it feels. I get perscribed something else, I can’t remember.
I am 12 years old. Ray flees the country. I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I try to overdose on tylenol on my 13th birthday, there’s a post about it on here. I tell them I am fine and i overreacted. I have always been a great actress.
August 24, 2010. I am 13. I OD again. I have no memory as to why, but it happened. I go to a place called Aurora. I meet some of the coolest, nicest people i had met in my life. A bunch of stoners and tweakers. Different from the honors students and the rich kids i went to school with. I liked them. I meet a girl there who i secretly kept in contact with. Her name was Hanna.
January 11, 2011. I am still 13. I get sent to a place called Banner Scottsdale for cutting, I meet my first junkie alcoholic. She was my roommate. She died of a heroin OD a year later. I had a crush on her.
In February of 2011, Hanna comes out to me, and I tell her i had a crush on her in Aurora. She was the only other person there without a substance abuse problem. We date. A few months later we break up because, 13 year olds are too unstable for relationships. I start dating this kid devin. My friend Sara breaks us up
I am 14. I pick up a vicodin and oxy problem. I start drinking. Me and Hanna start dating again. I have my first kiss. She saves my life. I loved her but i didn’t know what that meant.
I am 15. It is January 1st. I hang out with my friends Cole and Max. Max is smoking weed with his friend joe. I’d never smoked weed before and I tried it for the first time inside a dollar store.
I start smoking weed everyday. Hanna was still straight edge at the time. No one knows about her still. No one knew I was serious about liking girls. We break up in April. Hanna moves in with her dad. Her mother doesn’t approve of a gay lifestyle. I start dating someone. He abuses me. I think I deserve it. He rapes me. I lost my virginity that night in a park. A week later he breaks up with me. I contact Hanna. Her dad cooks meth and is a junkie. She was a tweaker now. I hang out with her at our favorite spot. She gives me my first shot of heroin. I thought I loved her before, but introducing a drug like that into a relationship makes things so much stronger. I become a junkie by my 16th birthday. No one knows
I am 16. In August, I have a (nearly?) fatal Seroquel overdose (i was being prescribed it at the time. 300 mgs a day for a 90 pound 16 year old). I wasn’t eating. I wanted to be thinner. My mom never noticed. My heart stops. I get resuscitated. I spend time in the ICU. I go to a mental hospital a week. I go through my first round of dope sickness. I get out, they tell me i don’t need any follow up treatment. I am out for about 2 weeks. I shoot up every day those 2 weeks. At the end, I go into a residential treatment center in LA. I meet my two current best friends there. I go through dope sickness again. I get out after a month and a half. I go to group therapy 3 times a week for 5 weeks. I am finally clean. I break up with Hanna.
I start dating a boy i met in therapy. He convinces me to stay clean (kinda). We stay together 3 months. I start slipping towards the end. Hanna texts me one day. It’s a bunch of pictures. She stalked his and his ex girlfriend’s instagram for a few days. He was cheating. I see her again. She gives me a shot. She has been up 8 days. I love her. She talks about bugs all over her. She tells me she started talking to the shadow people. I love her. We watch Sid and Nancy. It reminds me of us. She suggests we die together. I go to my counseling appointment. I tell her i want to die. I get sent to another mental hospital. I get out to find out that Hanna killed herself 2 days earlier. She tried staying up too long. She lost her shit. I have 73 messages from her. She drank a fifth of vodka (unusual because she always talked about how shitty alcohol was in comparison to drugs.) She smoked crack for the first time. She was up almost 2 weeks on meth. She did a shot of Heroin. But guess what actually killed her? She hung herself. She did the drugs so she could go through with hanging herself. I loved her. March 23rd 2014, I lost her. I ran away and lived in my car in Queen Creek for a while. My heroin problem got exponentially worse. I went crazy. I thought if I pretended she never existed, that it would forget. I started dating this asshole, ryan. I stopped doing H June 8th. I stopped doing everything.
I lost my penis virginity once again. He cheated on me on halloween when i was 17. I went to a rave and met the next person I dated. A 22 year old recovering meth and heroin addict who called himself Scooter. I go to a mental hospital 3 days later on an OD. this time they address my heroin problem and diagnose me with PTSD. I get put on Naltrexone. It reduces cravings for alcohol and opioids. It also significantly lowers your tolerance. I stay clean 11 months. I date Scooter from november until a week after valentines day. I go on a sex binge. I hook up with this kid christian. I met him at a punk show. He is a junkie tweaker. We smoke heroin that night. It was my first time smoking it. I do meth the next day for the first time. We date for a month. His friend introduces us to a dealer, Sam, who gave me a gram for a ride somewhere. I get back into contact with Scooter. His girlfriend gave him the clap. I tell him I am on heroin and meth. He asks me and my boyfriend to chill. I give him his first bit of heroin in over 2 years. I get back into Joe (the guy who i smoked weed with the first time). I sell him .6 grams of heroin, we use together. He tells me he loves my Velvet Underground shirt. We plan a double date for a week later. He dies of an overdose the next night. I quit when i find out. Christian doesn’t. He wants me to start using it again. Sam calls one night and asks for a ride. He said someone robbed him and he stabbed them. I was supposed to hang out with Scooter, he was leaving to texas the next day. I am pissed because he offers christian black and he tells me we have to. I do it. Scooter gets to meet our dealer. I break up with christian a few days later. I date Sam. Sam is abusive. Sam robs me multiple times. Steals my meth and sells/uses it. Steals my money. Hits me. June 25th, he robs me for everything i have. All of my product. My money. My car and registration money. He takes my phone and smashes it. My car payment is due the next day. He tells me he had hated being around me the whole time. I believe i deserved it. I was pregnant. I told him after he did all of this. He accuses me of being a cheating whore. I hadn’t slept with anyone else that month. I had gotten clean a week earlier when i found out. I went home for the first time in over 2 months the next day. My mom wasn’t there. She didn’t realize I was gone. I leave one the 27th for a birthday punk show a friend threw for me. I don’t come home until the 29th, when I turn 18. This time my mom finally notices. She gets on my laptop and looks through my things, she finds out everything except the pregnancy. She tries taking me to rehab. They turn me down. I was clean too long for rehab or something. I move in with Scooter’s brother’s girlfriend. I have a miscarriage a few weeks later. I spent the next 2 months drunk and high. Here I am now writing this as I smoke the stem of my bubble. I am a tweaker. I am an alcoholic. I am a depressed suicidal fuck. I am a junkie. I am a sex addict. I am a binge eater. I a nothing.

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11 comments

Morris 9/15/2015 - 9:46 pm

I guess the moral of the story could be:
Don’t date guys named Scooter.

Hindsight’s 20/20. Good luck, your life definitely sounds eventful.

dare.poe 9/15/2015 - 9:56 pm

Sid and Nancy is an awesome movie!

You are not nothing. You’ve been dealing with a senseless world the best you can.

You have a sense of narrative that I respect. I encourage you to keep writing.

Everyone’s a junkie looking for a fix. Nobody questions the “respectable” people.

Have you read Naked Lunch?

Annie 9/16/2015 - 1:13 am

I was watching it last night.
And I agree 100% on the everyone’s a junkie thing. I have friends who don’t know my drug past that constantly talk about how horrible junkies are, but they don’t realize they are pretty much junkies, but their heroin is actually weed and cigs.
Also I have not read it, but i just looked it up. Seems like something I’d like

v.c.333 9/15/2015 - 10:20 pm

One day it just won’t be fun anymore. The drama. One day you will wake up and not need it. Then the sun starts to rise. I hope tomorrow is that day for you.

Annie 9/16/2015 - 1:00 am

Sometimes, I do too..

Disposable Human 9/15/2015 - 10:41 pm

The meth in Texas is really good.

Annie 9/16/2015 - 1:00 am

I’ve heard. But I also heard its super expensive out there
like 100 a gram

Wanderlustbudz 9/20/2015 - 6:12 am

Annie, you can get better… you might not see a point but there is a possiblity. I’m so sorry that your mom is a self centered *****, I feel she is because there’s no way that she wouldn’t be able to notice that something might be wrong. I’m so sorry that somebody did that to you as a child, I understand. I also understand that living in Arizona doesn’t exactly create options for sobriety and growth, I’ve lived there. Ended up using heroin when I was living there after losing my first pregnancy.

Annie 9/22/2015 - 10:29 pm

Thank you. I’m not sure why I am thanking you. I guess it’s just nice when someone understands.
It’s also nice hearing “your mom is doing her best” and “She does everything for you” especially having just moved back in with her. Also because what kind of parent doesn’t notice their kid is gone for 3 months until they need some money. I guess I’ve always blamed it on her alcohol and xanax dependencies. And glad someone knows how bad AZ is with drugs. When my mom found out about my problem and I told her I was planning on moving to Washington she said “they have a bad drug problem there, you know.” and all I could think was “I mean look at where we live”

kaseyn66 9/21/2015 - 11:30 pm

well the way life is going for you i just say fuck everything and just laugh about it. I probably do the same shit you doing if I was in your shoes. my advice? laugh it off because its better to laugh about it than to just cry about it in my opinion I’m still depressed and suffer from psychotic depression and have suicidal thoughts still tried killing myself twice and ended up on a mental hospital. I lost my mind a long time ago. I’m already a alcoholic who is probably going to die by it some day.

blackxlily 12/15/2019 - 12:22 am

Do you know how overdosing on Lexapro will kill me? I don’t want to do it if it won’t work quickly. I’ve heard it’s not a good method.
I just finished preparing for an interview…for a job I don’t even really want…I just don’t want the job I currently have….I think if I do any attempts I’ll wait until after the interview….maybe it’ll change my mind…who knows.

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