This is going to sound insane, like I’ve lost my mind, or like I’m a real idiot or someone who hasn’t been honest here, but I have been.
So I found a place to live for the next 7 months, provided my work keeps up and I can pay for it. I don’t have a bed though, so I’m on the couch. I’d like to be able to have a bed in my own room though.
Anyway, I’ve been through some real hell with the guy I like blowing up at me when I try to talk about how I feel, which is that the terminology he uses dismisses my feelings as not being real. Saying I’m obsessed, and such, that’s a way to write it off and ignore it.
Ok, but anyway, this has been a life long problem for me and it’s only gotten worse really falling so deeply in love… but I’ve wanted nothing more in life than to have my other half, be married, and be loved. I’ve known that’s what I wanted since I was 5. I’m almost 38 and I know it will never happen.
I take my emotions and feelings a seriously because I’m a deep and intense person. Nothing has ever been able to help ease the pain I feel inside. Except this…..
One of my new roommates is a Buddhist and on the day I moved in, he had me meet him at his weekly Buddhist group and all they do is chant for a solid half hour. I felt silly but I tried it and tried to keep up. I don’t believe in anything religious or whatnot, never have, and have always rolled my eyes at people who do believe. I’ve always believed in wish in one hand, shit in the other… you know the rest. Well, crazily enough I have been chanting here and there, maybe a few times, maybe a minute or two, just whenever it strikes me to. I chanted along with a 10 min video on YouTube the 2nd night I was here because the guy I like had been a major asshole to me that day for no fuckin reason. I couldn’t articulate my inner thoughts and I could only get out “fix loneliness” and “end pain” as I chanted. And for whatever unexplainable fuckin’ reason, I have felt better. Yes, it hurts. Yes, it kills me. Yes, I’m still crazy insanely in love with and hot for this guy. He sent me pictures the next day of himself on the bus and he looked so damn good I’d have jumped him and fucked him right there on the bus… I mean god damn he is just s sexy and 1 in a billion gorgeous. He could be the sexiest man alive… I mean, dear god….
But anyway, the point is, I’ve been feeling better. I’ve been looking at some of my roommate’s books… Here’s a little something that might help….
4 comments
The beginning of this really made me connect with you. thanks for sharing!
Thank you. I wish more people would read those pages and consider trying it. I mean it’s worth a shot if someone as much of a lost cause as I have always been can feel any better.
Thanks so much. The first paragraph hit home for me already. Being with people depressed me because I can’t help but comparing with others, how they are happy… When I’m alone I’m fine. Thanks.
I felt like it was important when I read it because we do compare ourselves to others and others compare us to others, and so much of our suffering or at least mine has been because I don’t measure up to others and the standards of society, etc. If only people could just get over it and see value in everyone.