you know what’s great?

Starving myself all day (I don’t have a natural appetite so it happens whether I want it to or not)

and then getting stoned at the end of the day and gorging on Mcdonalds and candy. I finished eating the other night and was laying in bed watching the absolute worst movie, Deep Blue Sea. I used to love it when I was a teen, but now that I’m older, the plot holes are a lot more apparent. Well anyway, I was watching this stinker, and I didn’t really want to be, but I was in such a state of zen and relaxation after eating so much crap that I just laid there and watched it right to its terribly cheesy (and nonsensical) ending.

I went to visit my mum and brother on Sunday (hadn’t seen them in 2 weeks) and she remarked at how skinny I was getting. I didn’t know what to tell her cause she caught me off guard and she doesn’t know about my depression (and she wouldn’t be able to understand; she’s special needs). Luckily, my little brother came to my rescue and said that I only look that way cause I was wearing short sleeves, but I usually wear long sleeves. He doesn’t know about how deep my depression goes either, but he knows that I’m pretty fucking miserable.

I’m having lunch with a co-worker on Friday, but I’m not sure why. We’re not friends; at best we’re friendly acquaintances. She knows I have suicidal thoughts cause I stupidly revealed them to her in a moment of weakness, so I guess she feels obligated to watch over me or whatever. She tried to get me to see a special therapist, but I talked her out of it. It was just so weird, because like I said, we’re not friends. No doubt she thought I was reaching out for help when I divulged the truth about my dark and dirty cream center filling, but I just really like venting is all. I explained to her that I’ve been down the therapy road and have no use for it, and reassured her that while I am passively suicidal, I’m no real danger to myself. She seemed to accept that explanation because she hasn’t spoken to me for well over a month, until today when she brought up lunch. I have no use for her friendship (my issues are beyond the remedies of fresh air, exercise and socializing) but I’m terrible at saying no. Maybe if she were single I’d be more inclined to put forward some effort but she’s not so I don’t understand the need for us to connect on any level. She’s gonna talk about all the new and exciting things she’s doing in life and I’m going to sit there in relative silence just smiling and asking the odd question to keep the conversation going. Stupid humans, I wish they’d all just disappear and leave me to my devices.

That’s enough venting for now. Gonna go home soon and try to shower (water issues at my apartment and my landlord is giving me the runaround, the asshole!).