I haven’t posted in awhile. Probably no one even noticed. If you did, I’m sorry for not posting. Stupid asshole me for actually thinking someone would care. I think when I last posted I was manic. Ended up in the hospital for that. Don’t believe them when they say they won’t put you in the hospital for cutting. I’m getting too old for this bullshit. So they change my meds and I end up with major depression. I wouldn’t even go to the docs except I want my Klonopin and Ambien. Also, I need them to certify me so I can keep getting my disability $ coming. So I finally got my own apartment after living with my parents for a year and a half. I NEVER could have hidden my drinking from my parents, so that forced me to stay sober. They would have thrown me out if they caught me.
So, I lasted a week in the apartment before I started drinking again. It doesn’t even make me feel any better. It used to help me cope, but not anymore. My life is going nowhere. I serve no useful purpose. Don’t have the balls to kill myself. There’s nothing to live for. I wish I could find someone to shoot me in the back of the head. My son actually said he’d do it if he wouldn’t have to go to prison for the rest of his life. I don’t know if I should think he’s kind to put me out of my misery or if he’s completely sick. He’s in counseling too so I already know that he inherited my crazy genes.
Anyway, every time I start drinking again I end up getting arrested for some stupid bullshit or another. Last time it only took 5 or 6 occasions of drinking. Well tonight was my 3rd time drinking this go around. I want off of this merry-go-round.
11 comments
hello. Sorry life’s being quite a B**** to you. I guess your medication doesn’t help much…
Maybe the next time you leave the site it’ll be for better reasons.
You’re right freeroma, the medicine doesn’t help much. Especially when you mix alcohol with it.
I was hungover all day today. Haven’t talked to a single person. Thanks for caring!
Hangover plus starting Paxil after two years off has made today a long ass full body headache.
Sorry things are sucky. I feel that merry go round, too. It’s more of a pain go round, right? You throw up – then you die.
Hey, I remember you. I’m sorry to hear all that… I don’t have any advice to offer because I’m also suicidal, for various long-lasting reasons. The life I want seems so far away, I don’t know if it’s unattainable or if I just need to wait longer (though the waiting is tremendously stressful for my mental and physical state).
Why do you get arrested when drinking? Do you drink and drive?
You said it SeeSmith. That Paxil is the worst shit. The first time I ever took it was what helped me stop drinking initially. Stayed sober for 6 years until I had my first full blown manic episode. Moral of story: Make sure you’re on a mood stabilizer with the Paxil if there’s any chance you might be bipolar. Oh yeah, and don’t drink.
Worst shit? Man, I love it. The generalized muscle tension gets better after a few days and in my manic episodes I do things like build houses and feed homeless people. Too bad it never lasts.
Hey raza, thanks for remembering me. Yeah, waiting for things to get better really sucks. As to your question, what don’t I do – DUI, get in fights, public lewdness for urinating in a public place even though no one could even see. If I could just keep my ass is the house when I drank I’d be ok.
You said it SeeSmith. That Paxil is the worst shit. The first time I ever took it was what helped me stop drinking initially. Stayed sober for 6 years until I had my first full blown manic episode. Moral of story: Make sure you’re on a mood stabilizer with the Paxil if there’s any chance you might be bipolar. Oh yeah, and don’t drink.
I’m really confused today. Please forgive me for posting the same thing twice and putting it in the wrong place both times.
JustReallySad,
i drink everyday alot! i do it at home and avoid getting into trouble because that doesn’t help, forget the purpose, there is no purposee other than surving. that may seem un rewarding but thats our goal. one day at a time.
Well said rocketman. I am gonna drink again tonite. Was out today and had a good time. Now I’m home alone, lonely and miserable as shit. One day at a time…sounds like AA bullshit. But I like the way you use. If drinking helps get me through another day and I don’t get in any trouble, then fuck it.