I almost did it…. I tied a rope around the door and put my head through the loop…. As I stood there, standing on a stool, all I kept thinking about was my 4 month old son…. I started so feel so fucking guilty… If I do this… Will he have a fucked up life? Will his father give him up, neglect him… Would he think that this was his fault and that I didn’t love him…. I just can’t. I climbed down off the stool and thought to myself.. What the fuck r u doing. Ur such a weak *****!
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It’s not a matter of strength. It is a matter of coping. Please I implore you to reach out IRL. You cannot do this by yourself. If you wish to be there for your family, it is the only option you have.
Think carefully. Do you really think it’s weak to live because you’re afraid of what will happen to your son? It’s strong. It’s love. The next thing to do is focus on why you tried to do it and try to change those things that drove you to it.
Thank you so much! My reason is being with his father…. His father is causing me so much pain… Not physically, but verbally and emotionally. I want to leave him, but my son and I have no where to go.. And we also have no money saved… I just got a new job, but haven’t even started yet. I think that life will be so much better without him n it, but I don’t know what to do, my family and his family isn’t supportive either.
I can see why you’d be feeling so trapped. I wish I could offer some practical guidance. It’s great that you have a job now – hopefully this will be your route out. You won’t be stuck with this guy forever. I think the fact that you stood down from the rope because you were worrying about your son, despite feeling so much pain, shows that you really have the strength to do this. 🙂
Mental and emotional abuse are still abuse. He doesn’t have to hit you to hurt you. Have you ever told your family you wanted to leave him and ask for a place to stay, at least temporarily? If you have no where to go have you considered a women’s shelter or family shelter? their goal is to get you on your feet, to be self supporting.
I’m glad you’re still here and so is your son. I pray things work out for you.