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I wish I was alone. To have nothing to hold on to. To no longer have a reason to exist. It would be so easy then. To just let the grip my hands have been struggling to hold go. To feel the world’s darkness eat me as a whole. They think it’s a phase, that it’s just something I’ve been going through, that I’ll get over it after a short period of time. They don’t understand. They think I’m doing this to myself for things that don’t matter to them. But they never thought that maybe they’re the reason why I’m struggling to live. Why I still have to stay and suffer. I couldn’t hurt them with the way I am, so I have no choice but to hurt myself instead, and after the numerous scars I’ve had, they still call me selfish. Selfish for being sad and depressed, for not appreciating them enough. But have they ever appreciated my effort to live for them? Have they ever stopped talking and tried to listen to me instead? To hear out my cries just for once? To allow me to be upset and angry because I’m just human? Can’t they ever experience the feeling that you can’t save everyone so you have to sacrifice yourself? I wish they knew my struggle. That I just can’t simply stop. That no matter how much I want to, I no longer have control over my body. I wish they knew my insanity. And maybe they’d pity me like the hypocrites they are. I don’t think it’s that hard to start using your eyes and ears before using your mouth. But they still had to take the only thing I had from me—-my soul.

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Trix 10/1/2015 - 4:52 am

They don’t understand. That must be incredibly painful and an enormous trigger to you. But whatever you do, don’t wait for them to. Find others who understand. Talk to people. Learn from others. You are in a battle and you need an army to help you fight… to help you find peace. I know you feel that you’ve lost control. I’ve been there, I’ve felt insane. It isn’t irreparable.

Your soul is never something that leaves. Yes, it can get buried so deep you can’t recognise it anymore for a long, long time. But it’s there.

Royal_Styles1 10/1/2015 - 9:34 am

Thank you so much, your words just described everything I felt. We all have our battles, and I’m almost losing mine. I’ve already found an army for this war, and it’s this community <3

Trix 10/1/2015 - 10:00 am

Same for me. Thanks for being here and being a part of it. 🙂

Tristeza 10/1/2015 - 7:26 am

I can relate to your words so so much, but the part about the people in my life being hypocrites or not understanding my situation. I believe they do. But I relate to everything else. More than I wish I would. I too feel soulless sometimes, as it my spirit had been stolen from me and I see myself as an empty carcass. And in the end, I’m just a powerless human too… But I have so many expectations to meet and things to do here… I need to be more than I am; the only reason I can’t die is because I don’t want to leave important people alone, people that count on me… Or am I just pretending that they need me so I can keep going? I don’t know. But truth is that I’m weak…
That’s “why I still have to stay and suffer”… I don’t think I’m important anymore at this point… but for them, I hold on.
I’m sorry you’re in pain. You deserve the best things in life which is peace and happiness. Sending you a hug.

Royal_Styles1 10/1/2015 - 9:32 am

I feel so empty inside, it’s like I can no longer feel what’s happening around me. The best I could give is just a blank, tired expression. Thank you, sending you a virtual flying kiss from here. I was a bit angry when I wrote that that’s why I called them hypocrites I guess. I’ll hold on if you hold on 🙂

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