Back from the hospital

I rarely say that, but I am medical student, and sometimes I go to the psychiatric wing of the hospital, and I guess my biggest fear and insecurity is to find suicidal survivors. Those, like you, who feel upset because they were “unsuccessful”. There’s something very sad when you are beside a bed, and someone is laying there with opaque eyes, because I was there once. And I can’t say that. I have to keep that inside of me. While I just want to hold that person’s hand and tell him/her all my experiences, I can’t, I have to stand there in front of them with a piece of paper, a pen and a smiley face.
As a suicidal person, I’ve been through a lot of shit, and believe, I know a lot of pills that can kill me quickly, so trying to balance this kind of knowledge and a messy mind drove me insane, but I survived. And things got so much better.
Things will get better for you, you have to take some time and find your happy place on earth. I’ve found mine through music and coloring books. Try giving yourself a second, third, fourth, idc how many chances, you are worth it. But telling you that you are worth it won’t mean a thing if you don’t find this feelings inside of you.