I just left home. I wish I had the strength to finish myself. I cannot see the next minute. I’m paralyzed. I’m by myself. I want to be. I’ve lived everyday of my life for everyone around me. I have big responsibilities. I would be ashamed to say what I’ve left behind. I don’t know what to do. I’m in my car. I’ve never NOT been depressed and I’ve grown tired. Weary. But here’s the thing…the outside world would be shocked. I’m that person that motivates and inspires. I’m a light of positivity. The energy it has taken me to smile everyday and try to “reverse psychology” it away has got the best of me. I have survived this for four decades. I was abused as a kid and lived inside myself ever since. I didn’t say anything about it till I was in my thirties. I was feeling shame. Embarrassment. I repressed my whole being. I didn’t want to be comforted. I felt I needed to help everyone around me. This kept me protected from myself as well. I am afraid of me. I need to go. But I’m too scared. I am panicking because I also don’t want the next moment. I’m claustrophobic of my life. I want off the earth. I have no place. No worth. I wish my husband would desert me now. I do not want to submit him and our kids to my anguish. I know already they have been and it’s enough now. It’s enough. I wish for an anesthesiologist to put me out for good. It could be an accident. I’m through. I’ve done all I could to try to fight this. My hang up is that I’ve NEVER been selfish. I’m worried about who I’ll hurt. My genetic possibilities of 50% chance of inheriting another horrible disease (on top of this depression/anxiety), have sent me over the edge. I was already tedering off and on for my whole life. How can I just be gone!!! I need to be gone.
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I’m not married and I don’t have children, but I too want to be strong for the people I love, including some family members. I have this strong desire to stay strong for them, but sometimes that seems like an impossible task if you’re hurt. Maybe sometimes we focus on helping others all the time because we don’t know how to help ourselves, or because we’re too depressed to think we’re worth the help, effort and time.
I was abused as a child and teenage, and I can assure you that I lived in hell for many years since the man that was taking advantage of me was my stepfather. Sometimes I still feel guilty and disgusted with myself, as if the fault had been mine. And then I feel bad and guilty for thinking I’m guilty. Does it make sense? Idk. I still feel embarrassed… And I don’t want to let people down.
Sorry if I’m basically talking about myself. I just want you to know you are not alone, I heard you and I understand your feelings. I wish you peace and light.
Something I’ve learnt myself after what I’ve been through is not to be embarrassed about it. My circumstances are very different but we share a similar past (cult). I am very blunt with people about my history. It turns people off unfortunately as they just don’t know what to say. I am tired of hiding behind secrecy of my past.
Thank you, Mark. I’m glad you don’t need to hide your story anymore. I hope I can say the same about myself too someday… I know I shouldn’t be embarrassed since the fault wasn’t mine, but this will be a long process of forgiveness and self acceptance since I’m ashamed of most things about my past.
You’re right… it’s a long process. There’s no rush, everything is at your pace. It’s a big step talking about it openly with people who have earned your trust. Once you’re at that point you may find some relief or peace. It took me a long time… I’m older than you so everything in time.
Sounds like you need a dose of selfishness then.
I selfishly express my insecurities out loud. I selfishly take care of my dying father because it pleases me – not for him. I selfishly exercise and eat right. I selfishly imagine myself in other’s shoes.
You need to selfishly be your own cheerleader. It’s not that hard. You have a zillion years of practice doing it for other people. Just pretend you have a “friend” that has the exact same problems that you do. What would you say to him?
I too repressed many things from my childhood through until my late twenties. It’s not as long as you but I share in the repression of things. My childhood was a disaster. Not as bad as some which I will admit openly. Everything was stacked on itself. I didn’t have an outlet and too put on a brave face… that’s just what you do when no one around listens and hears your cries… I just trudged on. I did my best helping others in hope that they would reciprocate or not leave me; I needed them more than they needed me but I definitely didn’t show it. … who wants to be the full-on support for someone who doesn’t have anyone else?
I only share the above for sake of enduring you know that you’re not alone. I hear you loud and clear. I wish I could take your pain away and make things right but I unfortunately cannot.
As others have pointed out, it might be a good idea to be selfish. If you don’t know where else to turn it would be a good idea to go to the hospital. I know it will be a shock to others around you but at least you can put your guard down and (finally) let people look after you, especially after you have clearly given so much. I had a few mental breaks with the one as recent as January 2015. It was then and really only then that I finally let others look after me. I don’t know what my next move is, suicide still dances in my head but I’m trying not to focus too much in on that right now. With this in mind and yes I know it’s tough but it’s time flies you to be selfish, let someone know of your demons and it might be a good start to attend your hospital. At the very least talk with someone you trust.
Thanks for your words, both of you. Idk why this is so hard. Everyone has a story. We all “live” our lives. I have felt extremely disturbed for far too long. I can’t seem to surface. I’m sorry to everyone who is in here because I know they have pain too or else they wouldn’t be here in the first place. I have tried to take care of myself after ending up in the hospital five years ago. I started taking “me” time. I was on a roll! Then many things happened in my life that have brought me right back to where I thought I’d never go again. The state that hospitalized me. On top of this, I have chronic physical pain now. I know this has made things worse. I feel I need to go but don’t know how.
All of you! Thank-you. I must have sent my reply at the same time Mark, you sent yours too. I appreciate the support.
I just cannot go back to the hospital. I live in a small town now and I would be far too humiliated. Plus the medical staff have no follow through. That’s another story. My chronic pain should never be 🙁
Leemrrr,
You need to put the past where it belongs “IN THE PAST” Start fresh, LIVING IN THE PAST HAUNTS YOU! no more living in the past, live for today.
Rocketman, I know that is what I tried to do during all my suppressions. I was unseccusful. How do you do this?
Leemrrr,
HAha! not easy! First something in the past hurt you, then it bothers you, then you feel guilty or something? in otherwords you can’t let it go! this can go on for years! Till one day you say that’s it! enough is enough! i’ve thought about all I could I’ve done all I could, time to stop thinking about it, and move on! I’ve had enough!! and everytime you start thinking about it, say to yourself stop it! and think of something else, get busy on something else, why let something that happened years ago eat you alive? say to yourself that’s enough!