I don’t want to die necessarily… No, I can firmly say that in this very moment in time and space, I do not want to die.
However, I cannot firmly say what I want. I walk outside in the morning; I feel the dew settling on my face and the cool breeze that kisses my cheeks… I see the sun shooting tendrils of light through the light cloud cover, and I see the grass swaying with every breath of the wind. However, sometimes these things evoke nothing in this heart of mine. Nothing.
Now, you would think that feeling nothing would be a beautiful reprieve of the the war of emotion raging through my body… but this war is all I know. I can hide in the war and be safe. However, I cannot hide in nothing, for there is nothing to hide in. Believe me, I fight every day… but when there is nothing…
I want to be erased. Erased from this world I live in. Erased from the memories of my grandmother and I baking chocolate chips cookies when all of the sudden a panic attack would take me away from her… erased from the memories of me stroking the muzzle of my lease horse, Alex, his warm breath leaving the sweet smell of molasses and grass on my face… erased from the memories of wanting to throw my body into the welcoming waves of the ocean. I want to be erased so that I would never cause any pain or worry or suffering to those I love. I would take it all back if I could… God knows I would.
I know that I do not bring much joy to those I love… and I know that if I weren’t here, my mother wouldn’t be an alcoholic, my father wouldn’t be an asshole…
Thank you loves for listening. I am so, so, so sorry if I ever caused any of you pain. So sorry…
2 comments
Sometimes, when I used to watch the sun and the blue sky and the nearby nature, it gave me such a feeling of eternity. I, too, wished to cease to exist. But I wasn’t suicidal. I simply wanted to be part of this universe and nature. The sky at the sea side is awesome. It touches the soul.
I wish I was reborn. In a foreign country, in France. I wish I lived alone in an apartment and were a child who knows nothing about the world and dreams all the time. I wish I watched the blue deep sky of a French city while sitting in the balcony of the apartment and smoking a cigarette.
If you were erased, then all that is good and brilliant about you would be taken from the world as well, qualities that are already sadly lacking on this planet of ours.
We all bring sadness and sorrow into the lives of others, but it’s not always a choice we make. I think much of the worry or suffering you think you caused was a result of forces beyond your control. That’s not something you should feel guilty about. It’s easier said than believed, I know.
As for your parents, love they make their own choices in life, as you make yours. You are not accountable for their actions, and that is an unknowable guess.
you have brought me moments of joy and light, things I cherish. No apologies are necessary here .