Conspicuous Competence

(When I tried to register here, I never received a welcome email. Finally, in desparation, I requested a password reset. That came through. I’m glad I was able to login, but there’s a particularly poignant feeling of rejection when you try to register for a community like this and an expected email does not come through. Presumably the spam folder ate it, so it’s my own fault. I add this only as an anecdote.)

I always expect my work performance to drop when I’m feeling worse, and it does, but it’s still within the realm of acceptability.

I notice the drop in my stats, or the stagnation of a metric that had been improving, and I scourge myself with scathing self-talk. My supervisor praises my contionued excellent performance.

It’s like I’ve wanted so hard to be well that I have developed not just a day-to-day mask of competency, but a conspicuous competence that shouts, “Look how I meet and exceed your expectations! How could anything be wrong?”, deflecting any solicitous questions after my well-being. But I still spend too many of my breaks in the bathroom, crying.

I have a well-paying job that should probably be more satisfying than I find it with a well-known company with an excellent reputation. I started off as a call center rep, very quickly obtained my insurance license so I could better serve my customers, and have moved on to a position where I act as helpdesk for representatives needing help finding answers and handling escalated calls from customers. I’m on the path to becoming a supervisor.

And I’ve hated every step of the way.

I keep hoping that one more change, one more promotion, and I won’t dread going to work. I know that’s nonsense, that the problem is in me, not my job, and that even when I excel and get the external validation I so desperately desire, it’s at best a short-lived nostrum, soothing my soul for only a few short moments before my inner-voice whispers, “But did you really earn it?”