Daily thoughts of suicide

Several times throughout my daily routine I have thoughts of wanting to die. Life is nothing to me anymore.
Let me begin with a little bio. I’m a 57 yr. old male. I have several health issues, I have anger issues. Directed to any one certain person? Well maybe god, if there is such a thing.
I was brought up believing in god, going to church, living the godly lifestyle, accepting that the so called god is in control of everything and everybody. So who else do I blame for my crappy life, yes I’m using “nice” words. I curse god daily, telling him what a piece of sh*t he is, and not just once or twice a day, constantly.
My screwed up life, where to start? Health issues. December 2013, day after Xmas, open heart triple bypass surgery, and also found out I was a diabetic when I went into the hospital. High blood pressure, high cholesterol. I smoke cigarettes daily, yes even after the heart surgery, 2 packs a day smoker. I tried to quit, but I’m addicted, and nicotine is not my only addiction, sex, but that comes later. I can’t seem to get my diabetes under control. I was doing OK for the first year after my heart surgery. I was taking Victoza, a pen injection which kept my sugar level at a range of 130 to 160 constantly. So in May of 2014, I have to go back into the hospital for gall bladder surgery. So through the year of 2014, all my meds were free to me, in a sense, being my deductible and max out of pocket expenses were met for the year. I renewed my prescription to my meds in early December of 2014, so I’m set til March 2015. So when I go to renew in March I’m slapped in the face with a $1475 bill for just the Victoza, and yes that’s with insurance. So at this point I’m working with a diabetic specialist with other drugs. I have a lot of my sugar bottoming out which has a negative effect on me. It seems it does this mostly in the mornings and the way it affects me I have to leave my job for the day, which of course means I lose money.
OK, so let’s talk money. I only make just under $30,000 a year. With the cost of insurance and doctor bills along with living expenses alone, it takes a lot of what I earn. Yes, I’m still making minimal payments to hospitals and doctors with the deductible and out of pocket expenses that I couldn’t pay upfront.
Oh and then, how the hell could I forget? I owe back taxes to both the state and IRS somewhere in the neighborhood of $300,000 so my paychecks are garnished. The only thing that helps here is the fact that I’m living in my parent’s house. They both have passed and the house was left to me and 3 other siblings equally. Yes, there is still a mortgage, and I’m paying the minimum on that along with property taxes all by myself. Two of the siblings have threatened to kick me out, so really don’t know how long this living here can continue. So to go back to the taxes I owe, well they will never be paid in full.
Did I mention I’m not married? OK, well I’m not, but have been 5 times, and yes 5 times divorced. Oh I’d love to have someone in my life but who wants to be in a relationship with someone like me? And really, I can’t afford to go out places to meet anyone nor can I afford to take anyone out after I meet them. So even if I did meet someone by chance, do you really think they’re just going to come over to my house right off the bat?
And then of course there is the sex addiction. I crave it a lot, but at this point all it winds up being is masturbation, almost daily. I look at porn daily. I like either women or men, doesn’t matter, sex is sex. Yes I’ve been bisexual since I was 14. Again that’s something I tried to steer away from in earlier years but to no avail. I tried to suppress the feelings but they don’t stay down long before I get the urge to perform oral sex on a man. OK, this is only the half of it. I cross dress. I like doing it, it makes me feel sexy, even though I know I’m not. So I’ve taken it further, I wear a wig, heels and everything in between. I even shave my entire body trying to lure men into having sex with me.
So yes I think of how I could die several times throughout my day. Why don’t I? I have tried several times. Just like everything else in my life I’ve failed at this as well.
I remember when I was around 18, in my first marriage and things weren’t going well, I took an overdose of some bee allergy medicine. Wound up getting stomach pumped and slept for a couple of days.
Then not again til in my 40’s did I try suicide again. After the 4th wife left me and I was on the verge of losing everything I owned, and I did eventually lose it all I slept for 8 hours in the garage with the car running. A few weeks later I thought I didn’t do it right, wasn’t close enough to the exhaust pipe, so I got the air mattress out slept again in the floor under the exhaust pipe, and again I woke up.
Then another time I stole a pistol from a friend and was going to blow my brains out, let’s face it, I’m a coward! But this attempt did land in a mental hospital for a few days.
The last time I tried was about 5 years ago, I took an overdose of some type of prescribed pain medication. I stopped taking it just after I had it refilled, waited 30 days went back and refilled again, so I took about 50 pills all at once. It would have worked but I was found after I had passed out. So far along that I had pissed my pants while I was out of it. Again, another mental hospital for a few days. These things are really a joke. All they do is talk to you, pump you full of anti depressants and send you on your way.
Do I care to try and change things? No I really don’t. Maybe this is just another method of suicide. Being unhealthy, smoking, not eating right. Let nature take it’s course. At least this way, my one brother that cares somewhat will get my insurance money, verses taking my life where he would get none.