Have you every heard the term downward spiral? I think I am more than half way down. One of the foreshadowing thoughts I have is knowing that I am not at rock bottom yet. The realization that I have even more misery to come is almost worse then the thought, that I now look fondly on days I thought was the worst day of my life. Days when I thought life couldn’t get worse are now happy memories because at those moments, I was so much better off than I am today. Try all I want there is no going back. I am getting older and as I do life just gets worse. I have a limp and constant pain from a suicide attempt where I crashed my car head on into a tree at 110 mph. Recently I have become lactose intolerant so most of the food I like makes me feel like shit. Coming up on ten years since I was in a relationship. Since I was so hurt I retracted from the dating scene. After a few years went by and I tried to get out again, now I am just socially awkward and have a hard time talking to women. They seem to be interested in nothing but money anyway, which I have none. The last girl I asked out actually laughed in my face. Unfortunately now my misery and lack of confidence probably read like an open book on my face. I am 31 and I have thought about killing myself at least once a day since I was around 9. I have had 3 serious attempts, the last one almost 12 years ago. For years watching my mother while I was in the hospital after the last one is the only thing that kept me from carrying out my desire to die. I found out two years ago I have a son. He was ten when I met him. Now the only thing as of late that has kept me from killing myself is knowing that it would hurt him as well. Even so he will probably just get over it. I have only been in his life for two years. The worry how it would affect my family if I died is quickly no longer out weighing the pain of living. I will not have another attempt, I decided long ago that when I decide to do it I will just go buy a shotgun and kill my self in the parking lot of where ever I buy it. I have spent a lot of time sitting in the parking lot of bass pro trying to think of reasons not to go in and buy a shotgun. A very large chunk of my problems revolve around money. With each new year my life seems to get worse. I live in Michigan and winter is the worst time for me. The cold physically hurts, the constant grey skies, I hate everything about winter. I don’t think I will live through another one.
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Killing yourself in the parking lot of a sporting goods store where you just purchased a shotgun is a bad idea on multiple levels.
For starters, the loud bang will attract attention. People will walk over to your car and find a gruesome mess. Not cool.
You’ll also make responsible gun owners look bad. You’ll have the receipt for your newly purchased shotgun next to you, and the anti-gun people will say “see!? This is why guns need to be outlawed. Guns kill people”. The yahoo’s will come out of the woodwork and demand action. There will be debates about mental health, the screening process for purchasing firearms, suicide prevention/awareness, etc. It’ll be a colossal shit storm.
Try to spend the winter outside of Michigan instead. Florida is nice this time of year.
Good luck.
(I’m one of those yahoos who are all for gun control and a screening process…)
@freeroma; Same here. I don’t think mentally ill people should have access to firearms.
What does that mean, to be “mentally ill”?
I would say that shooting people who didn’t ask to be shot is a criminal act, and probably something that a mentally ill person would do. But shooting yourself….does that make you mentally ill?
I suppose the answer varies depending on who you ask.
Pretty bad idea, not only for all the points that Morris mentioned (what the hell man? are you a sporting goods store owner? lol), but also because it’s pretty likely that you’ll get assistance so fast that you might even survive that. I don’t know about you, but i wouldn’t want to risk surviving a shot to the head.
I have lived through 3 attempts as well as 2 other accidents all of which should have killed me. My second attempt was a 240v arc welder cranked to the maximum amps with a wet sponge in the clamp instead of an electrode. I was laying shirtless on the welding table and dropped it on my chest. After everything that has failed to kill me I spent a long time figuring out how to make sure there will be 0% survivablity.
you should delete that comment… No specifics allowed
Florida would be great if I even had the money to leave. I currently have $32 in my bank and I am two months behind on all my bills.
That’s rough. Sorry.
Given a choice between spending a homeless winter in Michigan or being homeless in FL I’d pick the Sunshine State. You can pick oranges off the trees down there.
Other homeless-friendly winter spots include Las Vegas, Phoenix and much of California. You don’t have to die, just go someplace warmer.
I don’t think hell is hot, hell is winter in a cold, snowy place. (Or standing in line at the DMV).
I stopped believing in the afterlife about the same time I started thinking about killing myself everyday. If there is a such thing as hell it is in the mind and I live it everyday. God, afterlife, it is all a survival instinct your mind believes so that you feel better about dying.
I think you should rethink your method. On top of what the others said, it’s not very kind and it’s bound to ruin quite a few days…
With regards to your son, “Even so he would probably just get over it.”
Nope, sorry, that wouldn’t happen.
Is there any way that you could fix your money problems or alleviate them, I dunno if it’s because your job, you’re financial status, debt…
Nothing can be done for your pain?
I chose that method because it is the only way I have figured out that can garranty 0% survivablity. My pain is linked to my money problems but only because in the world we live in money changes everything. I don’t currently have a job. I failed out of college, have a mountain of debt from my attempt. I have medical bills that are outrageous. But I seem to always make enough every year that I can never qualify for any assistance. Just not enough to live a livable life.
You can file for bankruptcy which could get a lot of the medical bills off your back, there are places you can go to that help you get jobs, they may not be high paying positions but minimum wage is better than nothing…
In order to get student loans I had filed for bankruptcy. So I can’t do that again. I have been working crap minimum wage jobs. I make just enough to not receive any help. But living so close to Detroit even those jobs are few and far between. Couple that with the fact that I currently don’t have any reliable transportation and Michigan got rid of almost every shred of public transportation. Getting to and from said crap job is getting harder and harder. Like I said downward spiral.
Well you can’t refile til five years pass, but ya. Um.. Ok that’s it off the top of my head.. How much worse would you have to be to receive assistance?
I have tried over and over again to get assistance and I’m always told no. Even back when I was trying to go school it wasn’t until I was homeless on paper that I got any help. But even then it was nothing more than $40/mo for food. I used to have a recording of a dhs worker (for a while I recorded all my phone conversations) agreeing with me when I read back to her “so because I’m white, not retarded, and I don’t have kids I don’t qualify?” After she explained I am not disabled, have dependants, or a minority so I don’t qualify for assistance. Oh and to be clear no my son is still not listed as a dependant because when his mother dropped the bomb on me she said she only wanted me to have a relationship with him and she is quite well off and only reached out because he got old enough to force the issue not that she needed or wanted help. That is part of the reason I never knew. More than likely if I did try to claim him something would happen and make my situation soo much worse.
Is relocating an option?
I would love to relocate. If I had the money to. I have maintained from the day my family moved to Michigan that this state is worse than the third world country we had just moved from. I hate this state, always have. One of the things that weighs heavily on me is the fact that I have seen so much of the world as a child and all I want to do is travel and see more of it but I can’t afford to travel again and most likely never will.
If it’s an option you could try finding someone who has an apartment or something that’s closer to your job, that way you wouldn’t have to have so much effort on commuting and rent could be shared?
Traveling firsthand can be an amazing experience, it’s possible things could change for you and it could become a real possibility again, but for now there’s television and google that can take you through the world, not as good as the real thing but you can watch from the comfort of home….
I’ve only been in the Upper Peninsula, pretty much a giant tourist trap but very pretty
If anything I would try and go some where far from Michigan like the south west. Nothing about Michigan brings me joy. But the cost of getting there and establishing a place to stay makes that a pipe dream. I can’t do anything right now hell I can’t even afford the shotgun to end it.