Hello, hero. Goodbye, hero.

I’ve been living this life for 17 years now. I know some people might say, I’m too young to think my problems are that heavy. Imagine them as an adult paying taxes and what not. I know. And I think you’re awesome.

There’s me. Not exactly loved, not exactly hated. I’ve experienced to be showered with attention. I’ve experienced to be bullied.

As a one-month old to three-month old, I have a sturdy grip and balance to walk myself out of the walker. As a child, I have a passion for adventure. You’ll never see me in one place. When I was finally ready for school, I never cried when my mother let go of my hand. They thought I was strong. I thought I was strong.

When I was 6, in that fateful night, comes the end of me. My father came home drunk. My mother is stressed. My brothers are there. I’m there, thinking how to make him stay. They said I’m the only one who can convince him. They always push me to convince him. “How?” is my question. I remembered a girl who teased her father. They were laughing. Right now, they need laughter. I need to make them laugh because I’m the youngest. I said the wrongs things. He left to drink again. They looked at me disgustingly. My brother wished me death. I wished myself death.

My sleeping and eating pattern was distorted. My thoughts become distorted. I fell in love. I fell in love with death. She was beautiful. Every night, I sing her love songs but she won’t accept it… No. I still have hope. Hope that one day, everything will change. I love Death but I was not ready.

At the age of 13, my mother had cancer. I discovered my father’s sins. My brother hated me. I wanted to die. There I was planning it all in my head. Then, she came. The very first human I talked all of this to. She listened to me when nobody took the time to. She loved “me” who I want to kill. But I’m afraid to love. I fear that my feelings are just a misunderstanding. I’ve seen my relatives be unfaithful. I lost the faith to love. Believe in love. Ah. But one night, I thought, this must be love. And I cry. I cry because I learned that I am capable of emotions. Of love. She is beautiful. But she too is broken. The world is cruel.

At the age of 16, my family’s curse showed up. My father cheated with the maid. It broke my mother. It broke my brothers. It broke me. In that exact day, I was ready to forgive him but it was too late. My family was in a mess. And my girlfriend cut our contact. We have a long distance relationship. I was always uneasy. Where is she now? What is she doing now? Is she alright? Is she still alive? I tried other ways to communicate. She didn’t reply. I was scared. I was breaking down. No one to call. No where to go. I was lost. Even my parents worked it out and my girlfriend talked to me again. It still left something in me.

I walked this world. So are people. All sorts of people. Even strangers that will molest and hurt you. People exist. I exist. We must socialize with others because we are animals. We fight each other because we are animals. Reproduction and survival is the purpose of every organism.

People have their own beliefs and idea. Every people’s beliefs and idea can intersect with other’s but never the same. That’s just how it is. We can sympathize but never understand. Humans are just another mystery along with everything. Everything is a mystery. And the unknown can be scary.

Innocence. Innocence can be destroyed. It’s beautiful but pitiful. Because we know, it can end harshly. Life will just slap you in the face with reality. This is reality. This is the world. This is life.

I can be stopped but never be saved.

Thank you for everything. I’m sorry for everything. Cheers, my friends. May the other side be better.