I’m always tired

I’m currently a sophomore in high school. I have a few great friends. But ever since high school started, I’ve gotten extremely tired. I’ve always possessed a hatred for school. Not that I hate learning or anything of that nature, I love learning. Right now I’m participating in a rigorous educational program (IB Programme) at the top of my class. I perform exceptionally well on exams and assessments, usually with little studying or review, if any at all. I turn most of my assignments in on time, but the workload is immense. It does stress me out, just like it does all of my peers, but it doesn’t help that I’m a terrible procrastinator. While this alone isn’t something to worry about too much, I have many other problems:

I am physically deficient. I am in the first weight percentile for my age (99% of all other boys my age weigh more than me.) I’ve always been very prone to illness. During middle school I began to experience painful neck spasms that still occur often. Recently I’ve begun to experience chronic heartburn, even when I avoid consuming anything that is acidic/spicy. At times I experience intense chest pains when I breathe, so I must limit myself to short, shallow breaths for small periods of time. My hands/arms have begun to shake/vibrate lightly every once in awhile. And of course, I’m always tired. Exhausted. Fatigued to such an extent that I must dedicate most of my concentration/focus to maintain proper breathing. It is somewhat common for me to have dizzy spells whenever I stand up after sitting or laying down. At times it feels like I cannot see even though I actually can. My limbs usually feel heavy and sometimes I may have to exert a great deal of effort just to walk.

I think that I may be dealing with anxiety issues that have persisted from a young age. I’ve always been set off by small things (ex: my mom doesn’t answer her phone, so I automatically assume that she was in a car crash.) School is yet another reason to be anxious, not so much the workload as it is interacting with students and especially teachers. I’ve always been afraid of communicating with most of my teachers, even if I like them. I also have quite a few nervous tics, such as the relatively well-known eye “twitch” (the tight, exaggerated closing of the eyes). Tics like these do not really have an established purpose like some of the others do (as explained in the next sentence) and are somewhat involuntary, usually increasing in frequency when I’m nervous. Others resemble ritual-like behaviors which I perform throughout the day to ensure the safety of myself and those close to me, including my family. (If I do not perform these “rituals”, I will begin to think that something terrible will transpire as a result of my sloth.)

I may have OCD or some sort of complex nervous tic. I am obsessed with the cleanliness of my electronics and my room. My video game consoles are covered with paper towels to prevent dust from accumulating near or on them. I thoroughly wash my hands before using my electronic devices. In particular cases, I shower before I use some of them. I also get very frustrated when I feel unorganized, specifically in regards to the organization of my room. Oftentimes when my little cousins come to my house I go into my room (which I lock to keep them out) to retrieve board games or Nerf guns (I really like Nerf guns and keep a ton in my closet) that we can play with. When putting them back or getting more of them I experience a reduced ability to concentrate and my mind becomes scattered. I panic whenever I drop or accidentally damage my Nerf guns/electronics/other stuff. Whenever I am cleaning my room (vacuuming, sweeping, rearranging things) I develop an acute perception of filthiness and force myself to take a through shower when I am done. I also have issues when I write/type things. When writing an essay I often spend 10 minutes rearranging one sentence because “it doesn’t sound right” or because “the word choice is too poor.” Since these essays are timed (usually around 45 minutes total), this greatly affects my progress. However, this issue not only applies to school essays but also to my everyday writing, such as this very text, although usually not to such an extent. If I attempt to ignore one of these poorly-structured sentences and move on, it will most likely irritate me throughout the rest of my essay and I will not be able to concentrate well. A similar type of frustration occurs when I cannot come to a final answer on a test; skipping the question will often render me extremely angry and flustered. I also talk to myself very often. At times I’ll talk to myself quietly during a test to confirm that my methods are correct with some other unseen entity. If I avoid doing this I may become irritated similarly to how I would have if I had skipped a question/tried to overlook a poorly constructed sentence. I also talk to myself when I am thinking and imagining things in my everyday life. When deep in thought, I usually talk to myself whilst pacing around my house. During my inner monologues, I often refer to myself in the plural (e.g. “we”, “us”). I often speak to myself as if I were communicating with another person and I respond as another person would.

Ever since I was a child, I’ve always been, well, scared. Now, I’m not scared of every little thing that moves or anything like that, but most of my fears are completely unwarranted and should have dissipated in my childhood (I’m almost 16). For one, I’m scared of the dark. I’m scared of being alone in my room at night. I sleep in the same room as my parents. Additionally, I frequently look over my shoulder to make sure nothing “malevolent” is behind me. I do this everywhere, usually when I’m alone, whether I’m in the shower or my room playing some game. At night when I’m in my room or in the hallway (I go into the hallway to do homework so I’m close to my parents’ room, can’t enter because I need light to read) I repeatedly check the air vents in the ceiling to make sure there aren’t any “monsters” there. When I have to go upstairs to my room and everyone’s downstairs, I usually need someone to escort me to my destination. If it’s daytime, I can stay there by myself after they come with me; if it’s nighttime, I usually ask them to stay somewhere around wherever I am.  As I have aged, this “fear” has lessened in some aspects and intensified in others.

I’ve been having existential “crises” lately. I find myself thinking about the futility of existence very often and experience panic-like “attacks”.

I think I may be suffering from depression. I am, for the most part, sad/unmotivated throughout the day. My happiness is sustained only by partaking in a select few activities that I truly enjoy and being with my family. Other than that, I am almost always miserable.

All these things in tandem are making my life very difficult. For the first time, I seriously considered suicide a few months ago. The first thing that comes to my mind when I reflect on my reasoning as to why I am considering such an option is simply “I’m tired”- not exclusively referring to the physical fatigue that I am experiencing, but also to the general difficulty of continuing to live and sustaining my physical being