My mind isn’t always the happiest of places, even when I try to stay positive. I literally spend my days skipping around, humming happy songs, telling people “everything is great!” telling people to stay strong.
By the time everyone is in bed though, I feel rather hypocritical.
My mind barely lets me rest, it reminds me of everything happening; everything that has happened in the past. Even with all the time that has passed, things still get to me. They’re like little demons just trying to tear me apart from the inside out.
I think of what my cousin did, and have to get up and take an extra shower even if I had one just that morning. I think of what my neighbor did, and I jump every time a truck passes my house. I close my eyes, and I can see it all unfolding in front of me, and it makes me feel sick.
On top of that, my favorite people just up and stop talking to me… I know that’s probably something stupid but, it just bothers me. We’ll be talking, then they don’t reply for hours and hours, sometimes even a few days…
It makes me panic “What did I do wrong?” “How could I have not messed up?” “Oh they hate me, I bet they hate me”
And it goes on until I hear back and it’s really silly and selfish of me. I realize this. but it happens…
I just really don’t like my mind past a certain time.
When my head gets like that, I pull out the headphones and try to blast those thoughts away. Or tell ’em to shut the hell up, sometimes they listen. I’m sorry your past likes to haunt you too.
Thanks for the advice, I did up turning on music and falling asleep.
The doctor tells me that I ruminate on the past a lot. Sometimes voluntarily, sometimes not-so-much. Like freeroma wrote, a bunch of good tunes can help.
The part about your friends isn’t selfish. I always worry when people don’t answer me too. I’m sorry the past is still haunting you.
I know it’s hard to try to escape from parts of your own mind. Sometimes it’s necessary to do it to survive, but it’s helpful if you can face it other times too. The more that you can learn to accept and possibly change the way things are, the less afraid you’ll be. It takes time and work to bring the control back to you and be able to let go of that fear, but you can do it. I’m going through the same thing, so I know what a struggle it is. Sometimes you have to take an hour or minute at a time. But try not to be scared. It’s hard to accept that those thoughts are there when they’re so frightening, but sometimes you need to try to be able to let them go. They’ll keep coming back, but they’ll seem less powerful over time. Keep trying to tell yourself those thoughts don’t have power over you. When it’s really bad, like freeroma said, getting out the headphones can help. 🙂