I’m terrified

The end of my life is growing closer. I’ve always known I would take my own life one day. But that day always seemed far off. So it wasn’t a source of excessive worry. However, that is no longer the case. I have reached a state very near the point of emotional exhaustion. My life has been spiraling downward for over a decade. I’ve lost everything in my life. My little remaining money allowed me to keep things going and appearances up. And I’ve kept assuming/hoping my career would be revitalized. After being unemployed for 3 years now, my last vestiges of hope are gone. The stress and  fear of the future, which have always been with me to some degree, have now grown all-consuming. They have transformed my existence into a nightmare without end; from which I no longer get relief. And from which I can longer find escape from. Mine has become a terrible existence. I now have eternal sympathy for others in similar situations and now understand why those who take their own lives do what they do. Most view it as senseless. On the contrary. It now makes perfect sense. Those poor souls were suffering worse than anyone could imagine. More than I could imagine, until somewhat recently. For most, life is a beautiful, wonderful gift. But for some, it is not. For some it is agony. And that is what I am in now; agony. Today is not my last day. Nor tomorrow. Nor the next. But I know I won’t see Christmas. Maybe not Thanksgiving. Hope is lost for me. I’ve felt hopeless before. But this is all together different. This time it’s accompanied by despair and agony. The fear has become physical. I can feel it in my chest. Constricting. And it’s no longer a fear of dying. It’s now a fear of living. And that is a much, much more ominous and powerful feeling. I understand now why people take their own lives. It happens when the fear of dying transforms into a fear of living. Few can endure that kind of fear for long. I’m weak. I know I won’t be able to.