It got better

A couple of months ago I was so sure that I wanted life to end.

I’m not trying to discredit anyone who feels that way right now, your feelings are 100% valid. But for me, it got better, and in a forum of people on the verge of giving up, I’d like to share what happened to me when I didn’t give up, while its still fresh.

My husband of two years has been cheating on me since we were engaged, though I didn’t find this out until a month after the wedding. I begged, pleaded, cut, cried, drank, none of it helped. It’s as though faithfulness in my marriage and trust in my husband were these unattainable things I could never have. Faced with a life of constant doubt in him, myself, and the idea of love, life seemed unbearablely bleak. I actually convinced myself that if I killed myself that it would be better for my husband, that way he could have sex with whoever he wants and it wouldn’t be cheating.

Pretty fucked up right?

A little over a month ago, HE left ME. Weird right? But he did. He said he just can’t be married, just can’t stay faithful, ect, so he dumped me back onto my family and went back home. Now it seems like this would be the breaking point for most. No job, income, car, home, or spouse. Back with my parents like some teenager, humiliated and dependant on others again.

For me, it became a whole breath of fresh air. I have a tiny bedroom in my parents house, so all the things left of married life (dishes, appliances, ect) had to go for lack of space. I donated everything that reminded me of our life together, mailed him pictures we had framed, threw his stuff out, deletes my Facebook. The purge was so invigorating. (Well, its ongoing, but nearing the end)

In my tiny bedroom I surrounded myself with small things I love. I journal now, it helps. Life feels so full of possibilities!

I’m starting up my own housekeeping business. I’m taking Spanish next year. I’m dancing and working to get my certification to teach it. And while I haven’t started my business, schooling, or training yet, those things are in my future, waiting with open arms!

It gets better! I just had to wait. Waiting was agony, but now that I made it through the waiting, I barely remember the pain.

I have some struggles ahead in my future. I’m a closeted pansexual and sometimes I worry about what the future has in store as far as a future partner. But you know what? I’ll cross that bridge when I get there.

I’m up out of my valley now, and let me tell you, the view is pretty sweet up here.

-Bella

P.s, there’s much more to my story, but I won’t put it all here as this is already a pretty long read. Kik me if you’d like! @BellaLaree