It’s getting harder

Do you ever go to join a suicide website, just for it to tell you you already have an account?

The last time I was on here I wrote about wanting to run away. Start fresh and escape it all.

I also wrote about family having so much power over us. The power to destroy us even if they never realize.

I’ve been living with my sister for the past four months. And I haven’t felt this awful in a long time. Living alone in a dark apartment was better then living with her and having her make me hate myself so much. After months of being okay, of surviving, I cut again. Bad. Deep cuts. Angry, red cuts that will now forever remind me of the time she broke me down to nothing. I feel worthless every single day. I think I am finally at the edge and I don’t know if anything will pull me back.

I don’t love anyone. I don’t care about them. All I feel is self loathing and disgust. Every time I am alone I cry.

Every time I type out a plea for help I delete it. All the “I feel suicidal” messages, and the “I want to die” texts go unsent. And no one will ever know how close I have been to trying to get help. I’m just so afraid that they won’t help me. Or they’ll think I’m a freak.

I’m tired of being told to grow thicker skin, or put on my big girl panties. I just for once want someone to realize that I am drowning. That I am dying where I stand. How do people not look at me and see just how unhinged I have become? Do they not see what I see when I look in the mirror?

When people hear the superficial problems, and when they give sympathy, do they really believe that’s all that is wrong with me?

I took too many sleeping pills last night, and I think I’ll do it again tonight. I’m sick of crying myself to sleep at night.