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job 10

by devize

i just want to go to sleep for a few years and have a nice dream about being a boy.

i just want to be a boy.

i want to wake up and be happy and organized and energetic and peaceful and have a triangular body and a square jaw.

i want to be thin, but i also want to be strong.

i want to be him, and him, and him, and him.

(i want to be her.)

i wish i was beautiful, i wish i was perfect. i wish was my skin was new and pure.

(they’re so lucky, those beautiful people. i hope they know that.)

(i hope they become more beautiful; i hope they become nothing.)

I should have been as though I had not been; I should have been carried from the womb to the grave.

i should have been a boy.

i should have been more.

i should have been a boy.

(i’ve always been nothing.)

i can feel my eyes dripping from my skull, i can feel the fat under my skin. i can feel the liquid that should be solid.

it aches, my body aches. my head aches.

(i realize, sometimes, that i will never be a boy. i’ll never have the money, or the support. even if i became a boy, how would i look my mother brother sister father in the eye?)

(i’m doomed to this life of halfthishalfthat, doomed to always be a heterogeneous mixture of filth and femininity and never enough, never enough.)

it’s not who i am not who i am not who i am not who i am not who i am who am i who am i who am i

(i’m nothing)

why am i like this? what god would do this?

(who is your god? are they kind? i’d like to think that god is kind. i don’t know how that could be.)

it’s so cold but not cold enough

i want to be thin, but i want to be strong! i want to be powerful, but i want to be beautiful

i want to him to be mine. i want to be him.

it will never be enough. i could never be enough. my words, these senseless strings of syllables are empty

never enough.

anyway;

3 comments
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3 comments

Frightened Eyes 10/15/2015 - 12:27 am

Not trying to invalidate your longing for beauty here…but, biologically “pretty” or physically appealing people don’t have it all that great in retrospect. First off, we evolved from primates. Well, before that we were mushrooms, and before that a bundle of cells. And somewhere along the line we were sea creatures. Evolution is fascinating. Anyhow, we are all just nature’s creatures, and from a universal perspective our physical nuances are not so marked. Beauty is subjective, and humans lean toward biology. So whatever suggests fertility is more desirable. As for you being born the wrong gender, I have no clue. I am quite masculine as a female. I’d probably cry if I had to wear a dress. I just go on and exist caring little what I look like. I’m alright. We all get old and pruney anyway. Even the beautiful people. Be an interesting thoughtful person. I am chubby too and quite frankly I don’t give a damn. I deserve to exist and just be.

devize 10/15/2015 - 10:18 pm

i appreciate your comments, but being transgender goes beyond wearing a dress. it’s the life as a boy i missed out on that hurts the most, who i should have been. it’s that when im wearing traditionally masculine clothes, people don’t see me as a traditionally masculine cis boy, they see me as a girl wearing mens clothing. and unless i ever have access to hormones or gender-reassignment surgery, that’s likely all i’ll ever be seen as. it’s difficult to exist when the future i want so badly is impossible for me to achieve.
as for the beauty aspect, i’ll have to respectfully disagree, while admitting that im still young and my perception of beauty is still evolving.
thank you for taking the time to respond.

Hazy Day Sunflower 10/24/2015 - 9:37 pm

Thank you for posting this. This touched my heart. When I was younger I wanted to be a boy, but I look back now and realize that wanting to be a boy and knowing you are a boy are so very different. My heart goes out to you.

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