I’m really tired of running from this thing.
I feel like I’m constantly in motion.
I feel like I’m all alone and no one understands.
But I guess I’m not.
A lot of us here deal with this monster – DESPAIR
It seeks to devour us.
I wish I knew why it picked on us and leaves others untouched?
Did we do something to deserve it?
Is there really something wrong in our brains like the doctors say?
And if that’s true then why?
And why can’t they fix it like any other disease?
Why don’t the meds work?
I don’t think they have a clue.
They can’t cure it.
The best they can do is put out each little fire as it flares up.
I don’t know how to end this rant.
I wish Smokey Bear would put out this fire for good !
Sorry about that lame comparison, but if I didn’t make light of it I’d just want to cry instead.
4 comments
JustReallySad ,
I had a full page of stuff written for you! I was peaking in knowledge and wisdom! My best work ever!!! Then the POWER went out! Lost it all! So you have to accept my cheesy answer I’m cooking dinner. RIBS BAKED BEANS AND BAKED POTATOE!!!!! 🙂
I think DESPAIR touches everyone sooner or later, and our brains aren’t like a 56 Chevy replace the starter and move on, meds only dull the pain, it’s up to us to fix it, I do it by ignoring it, the less you think about it the better, I accept I’ll always feel messed up so it’s easier to deal with it and ignore it.
rocketman,
I don’t really know what to say to you. To be honest, your reply kinda pisses me off. Please don’t take offense. I’ve just always been depressed my whole life with a few periods of mania mixed in. When I’m manic, I just feel so damn good. Yeah, I know I’m out of control then but I don’t really care. Then I take all these stupid ass meds to balance my moods and I hate it. idk. I spent the day today with my future ex-wife. Had a good time with her. I don’t know why the hell we’re getting divorced. Nothing was her fault the way she sees it. Married 25 fucking years and she decides she’s better off without me. But we still get to be friends. WOO-HOO! She’s still in the house and now I’m on fucking welfare. I have a real love-hate thing going with her. I probably need time away from her (at least that’s what the pdoc says), but its that old thing “can’t live with her, can’t live without her.” Why did I really fall into despair after I got home. Because she gets to go home to our 18 year old son (that I raised) and here I am all alone. I had a great relationship with him before she had me removed from the house by the police and now he hates me. Incidentally, he’s hated her for years (Its just that she can better provide for him than me). She literally destroyed my relationship with him which is the only thing that really ever mattered to me. He was really what motivated me to get sober initially when he was a baby.
I’m sorry to go on such a rant rocketman. I REALLY DO APPRECIATE you taking the time to read my post and responding to me. I hope you’re not angry at me. I’m just so fucking miserable.
JustReallySad,
Knaw i’m not mad, i just read what you wrote, had no idea the amount of crap your going through, pretty tuff alright! i don’t like it!!! 🙁 Sorry! i’m going through a bit of hard times myself i had a mild heart attack a month ago, still haven’t seen the doctors like they want me too, but you do need to take it easy, you have a ways to go before things can get better.
Thanks rocketman. You sound like a stand up kinda guy. Sorry to hear about the heart attack. I’m 51, been smoking since I was 12, overweight and have high blood pressure – so there’s probably a heart attack in my future. I don’t really even care, so long as it’s not a stroke that leaves me paralyzed and unable to speak. I don’t want to end up a vegetable. Thanks for reading and caring, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone and that someone cares.