I don’t expect anyone to actually read this longish post, but I just really wanted to speak to my mind to someone, somewhere…
I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I will know when it’s “time”, and I realized that I have to force myself to walk forward, that there will be no special sign for me. I don’t know if any of you have ever watched fullmetal alchemist, but I’ve been considering the scene where Ed chooses to burn down his him, his memories, the only place he had to return to so that he could not back out of the decision he made.
Although it would not be exactly the same, I’ve been thinking about doing something similar with my life. No need for me to burn down a rented room, but if I just force myself to stop going to all my classes, my job, my obligations for a week or two, I know it will be enough. I will have failed my classes, lost my job, and been told off at all the other places by then. I know if I do that, there will be no going back for me. I’m struggling to accept what I’m about to do, but I know this is the push that I need.
When it’s time, I have a essentially fool proof way to go, and no one in my life knows me well enough to stop me. My therapist was more upset about the idea of me possibly injuring someone else than of me killing myself. That pisses me off, but he needn’t worry. I’ll make sure that I’m the only one affected when I do things.
I just hate that I feel that things have come to this point. One can’t help but wonder where it all went so wrong. When I began to hate the person I see in the mirror so much.
Anyway, if anyone managed to read all of this, thanks for reading. I just wanted a place to share my pain. My sadness that I feel it has come to this. I do hope all of you out there are having a better time though.
4 comments
Snow Fox,
NICE TRY! What will happen is you will fucked things up and still be alive! never fuck things up in order to kill yourself it don’t work, if you want to kill yourself you just do it, or continue the fight to make things better.
Thanks for reading rocketman, but I’m not worried about not succeeding. I know if I fuck up my life, the little I have to hold onto will no longer be there, so I will have the desperation to go through with it.
And you’re right, maybe I could just force myself to act plain and simple, but at least this way, I have no way to back out at the last moment because I will be destroying the things I have been trying to hold onto. Maybe I’m a coward to need to do it this way, but I guess at the end of the day, it won’t really matter. I’ll have lived as a coward, and died as a coward I guess.
I’ve been down this road. My depression escalated and my coping resources had depleted but I was bereft of any courage to end it all. So I decided to drop outta school and quit my job thinking it would hasten my demise. Attempted suicide but did not succeed. I am trying to turn my life around now. Burning the old me and learning to live with the new me. A new me that does not carry a Jaded yoke. I hope you find your way outta this mess. You are not alone…
I agree that there might be no special time when you feel completely ready. The worrying thought is that that part of you that’s unsure that it’s the right time could stay just as unsure, but if you choose to try to live it’ll be more difficult. Is there anything in particular that’s been stopping you until now? Why do you hate yourself in the mirror?
I’m sorry you feel it’s come to this. I hope you don’t go through with the plan of sabotaging those parts of your life.