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Not okay

by Sev

I’ve left my boyfriend… i’m still addicted to coke…
I’m really moving on… trying to take another step…
But i’m still dead inside
Somedays i just really want  to die…
No reason to be too depressed…
But also no reason to be happy at all…
Right now i’m thinking of hanging myself on a sheet…
I’m sad… i’ve found a job, i’ve found someone who likes me…
My only struggle is with alcohol and coke
Don’t have a reason to use drugs or to drink so much…
I don’t know if i’m gonna be happy someday
I want to disappear , i want to die… i just don’t want to be me

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7 comments

Trix 10/1/2015 - 6:51 am

Not feeling happy is reason enough – in fact, it’s the core reason people do those things. Distracting yourself isn’t enough by itself to make you happy again. But you can be. It won’t happen overnight. Keep trying to move forward. If you don’t make progress, look for other ways to move forward… a turn off from the path and onto a new one. Keep trying. When you’re happy again and these things are behind you, you’ll feel like a new person. Keep trying. We can walk together.

Sev 10/1/2015 - 7:17 am

I’m trying to move on… to bring me up…
All the things that i liked before doesn’t satisfy me anymore…
I’m not okay and i can’t take this pain anymore…
I’m feeling like shit, 5 days from now i’m turning 19
Years ago i tought i would be someone else… that i would get better
But i’m still the same emo piece of shit who cuts himself and is depressed all the time
I’m looking blankly to the screen and smoking one cigarette after the other…
Dying seems to be the perfect way out…
I know that someday i will not take this shit anymore and i will do it
What scares me… is that i don’t know which day is it…

Trix 10/1/2015 - 7:20 am

I spent years on the edge like that, never knowing when I’d be pushed over the edge. I understand things not satisfying you anymore. I understand the pain feeling completely unbearable. And I’ve always found my birthdays extremely difficult. I’ve been disappointed with the person I turned out to be. I never saw my life becoming this way. But none of this is irreparable. There are other ways out.

Sev 10/1/2015 - 7:44 am

Sometimes i feel like everyone is betraying my trust
Or leaving me behind
It’s hard to trust someone
It’s hard to get help when you don’t really know if someone really gives a shit
Right now i’m on a hangover, awake idk 20hrs…
Feeling broken… i hope i’ll wake up better than this mess that i am right now

theWhispersOfMySins 10/1/2015 - 7:21 am

It’s hard to stop the drugs or drinking alone. I don’t know you’re story but if you haven’t called someone about addictions like alcoholics anonymous, maybe now is a good time. Be the person you want to be. You can do this.

Sev 10/1/2015 - 7:35 am

Yeah, i’m trying to stop but i really don’t see a point to it
Living… is getting harder and harder everyday…
I’m feeling worthless, i’m feeling like a bad person
Maybe the drugs and alcohol is my way to punish myself
I don’t know…
Maybe i’m better off dead

SeeSmith 10/1/2015 - 7:45 am

Hey, I’m sorry you are in such distress. I’ve had my spell with coke and it’s fucking tough to let go of that. I’m an addict that doesn’t use and I’ve been sober for, hold on I ran outta fingers, um, 30 years.

You must must must get detoxed as soon as possible if not sooner. I know the thought of that is awful but the coke is majorly screwing up your ability to feel pleasure from anything else except more coke. You feel dead inside because the coke screams YEAAAAH GOOOOD TIMES MAN HELL YA so loudly that you can’t hear love, comfort, mild sunny days, nice food, and many other things life is full of.

Detoxing was hard on me but I had a friend that just walked away from it without breaking a sweat. So your mileage may vary. I hope it’s easy for you.

You will be happy one day. This will make you stronger. The first step is getting the funny chemicals out if your system.

You are going to have to get away from users, too. I hope the new person in your life isn’t one. Lots of people have been through this and there are more 12 step groups than there are bad network TV sitcoms, so look into finding one that agrees with your religious practices or lack thereof. The people at those meetings CARE and want you to share.

Safe journeys, dear one. Get clean, don’t be mean, eat lots of beans.

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