Oh, sure, I can exercise, take care of myself, meditate, eat good food, pursue some hobbies. Looks like my husband is leaving me, despite all the care I gave him. My one flaw of bad temper has him almost hating me now as he rewrites our past. It’s hard to deal with. Okay, the another flaw I see is I was the rescuer, thereby allowing him to be the victim, until he decided I’m the persecutor, because he doesn’t need me (to be the rescuer) anymore. The drama triangle is SO clear to me in hindsight. We’ll be separating for three months soon, and I’ll focus on my own future, as he tries to heal and see if he wants to forgive me or give up on me.
But I’m over 50 and I have no direction. There is nothing for me in this world. My job is tiresome though convenient, as I work from home. It all feels like a dead end. If I do get divorced, I can then kill myself and he won’t get my estate. So that’s almost a year from now I feel I have to live. Not that I want to.
We did talk about some emotions today, and he always bitches that it’s pointless, but I don’t agree. I want to be with someone who will talk about problems and resolve them. I see he shoves them under the carpet like my mother did. I don’t want to be married to that. And I told him so. But I still have to get a life, and not sure I can or what that would look like. What on earth does it feel like to have a life? I remember George Carlin saying he wasn’t going to bother with his website anymore because he “didn’t get a charge out of it unlike most things” that he does. I wish I could make choices like that.
2 comments
I find it really difficult when people won’t talk about emotions or how they feel about you, but then build up bitterness about you and end up seeing themselves as a victim. It sounds like he’s inclined to take that role and isn’t willing to change his perspective. Anger can be damaging, and it sounds like he isn’t ready to accept it.
If the relationship ends, I hope you can see it as a new beginning. For a while it might seem like everything is coming to a dead end, but there are always new opportunities. It might give you some relief to have a break from someone blaming and criticising you. Maybe it’s time enough to have some clarity, feel more positive and find something that makes life worthwhile again – even if you can’t really see it happening. I hope this almost-year brings you something great. 🙂
It sounds like you have a good grasp of Transactional Analysis! I encourage you to seek a therapist. If you are tired of playing games you can make some rapid progress.
Overall, my divorce at 49 turned out to be a good thing. I learned how to cook. Lost 112 lbs. Reinvented myself. Had a few hundred dates. New skills. New vistas. New loves.
Safe travels!