Reason…

: to be honest i simply have grown tired of life…. I was hoping that by doing this the right way I would grow stronger … strong enough so that even I wouldn’t have to talk to anyone about the burning inside my soul. the inadequacy that I feel every time I walk into room. The shadow that I cast at dusk… It is a large shadow. It is painted with my suffering and misdeeds. I am truly a monstrosity. I am unworthy to live. and yet… many keep telling me that God wants me alive. that I ought to keep striving to survive , and furthermore thrive , and furthermore succeed. But every success makes me feel unworthy and every failure, more wretched. My heart still aches after almost 4 or 5 years of dealing with the same , tired old emotion. Surely the thought of suicide is not normal. Surely I am alone. Or is there someone out there like me. I found this site and there are others fighting my fight. others who see it the way that I do. or rather , the way I wish not to. I don’t want my ideas , the rantings of my broken , psychotic mind , to hurt or inspire anyone. I just want a place where I belong. You see I have no home here , no clique , no group of friends to support. I have people that either look up to me , or down on me. I feel used by some and hated by others. but loved…. it is sad to say that there are very few that I think truly express even a brotherly form of love for me. It’s gotten so bad nowadays that It even effects my studies, which I am TOLD are important. So this will be my release. my dirty little secret. The game that I will play. The funny part is that no one will ever even suspect that I am… and if they find out , they will not care. I should probably be in an asylum right now. I chose not to lose my mind years ago , but I still hear voices. They ask my why I am here , and each day , I must have a reply. I don’t belong anywhere fore a reason. … there is only one place I can belong.I will not fit in even here , but you will see a darker side of me. I will share with you the shadow that chases me. I will share with you the fear. I will share the voice inside my head that screams at me DAY AND NIGHT. the tears that I am not allowed to shed , you will feel , the hours that I have lost in this battle and the loves that i have dreamed of.you will know them as if you were my brother. Im going to be honest. my life , my struggle. they are a series of Ironic , unfortunate , hilariously ironic events not even worthy of the emotion of suicide that I have come to know so well. I encourage you to laugh as post by post , I tell my tale , the story of a nameless man, who blends in with a crowd only when he is not need, is then used and sought out , and immediately forgotten about. If you can find me, perhaps you will love me. I have already been saved from my loneliness. I try to believe that it is my choice to still feel lonely. but , I still have trouble with the concept because I don’t want to live like this… that , I suppose that is my conundrum , the reason I am alive , but would still , rather die… but that story , is for another time….