I’m curious if you can help me decide something. Is it better to leave a note at all?
If I go through with it I don’t want to be saved, coddled. I don’t want another ounce of sympathy or “lets talk it over” every hopefull second of effort just makes it worse at this point. I’m not going to be satisfied with anything I could try to say. I know I can’t offer any explanation, and I certainly don’t want specific people to know it it could possibly their fault.
But people need closure don’t they? I want them to have that, when I’m gone I don’t want them to wonder and file missing person’s reports. But wouldn’t the uncertainty be worse if I made myself.. “Findable” but never left any explanation?
The truth is I’m a sick and twisted monster, and I want this all to end before anyone learns that because the people I leave behind don’t deserve to have the memory of me tainted like that in the middle of whatever mourning they may go through. I mean if I could just make everyone forget I ever existed entirely I would… If I could just… Annihilate myself.. …no more complications.
Or if I could die saving someone. That would kill the person I was, and replace it with some version of a hero, the exact opposite of everything I am. I could do it, save a victim and fight off the killer just enough to die in the process. I’m very combat profitient.
But obviously this is all just pipe dreaming because I wouldn’t know how on earth to find that sort of situation. So back to my note, should I leave one? Pros? Cons? Can you help get me to either side of the fence?
9 comments
I don’t really like thinking about this… but I would leave a note. I remember all the difficulty I had writing them in the past, but if you can write them then, like you say, they offer a lot of closure. A sudden death will hit people hard (be it in the form of depression, guilt, shock etc). I would imagine notes, in general, helping people cope after a loved one’s death.
Hey. I get what you mean. I remember myself in that very situation a few years ago. Let me tell you what I did. I isolated myself, prepared a cocktail of medicines. Waiting for the meds to work, I took a sheet of paper and began writing everything that needed to be written. And hid the note, not too visible but not impossible to find. So that, if you manage to leave that shit, people will try to find an explanation and they’ll roam through your things, and they’ll finally get the note. If you live, people won’t find it, and you can destroy it right away.That was my solution. I had quite a bad night, but the note was never found. Hope this’ll help you.
Sorry you feel that way. I don’t know you, I don’t who you are, what you did, what you didn’t do. I don’t know anything about you. Surely I should try to prevent you from doing this, but on the other hand I do understand what it’s like to be this close to the edge. I don’t wanna hypocritical. I know what it feels like. Good luck, for whatever it is that is good for you.
Google inactive account manager is taking care of all this for me. Three months after I stop checking my mail some lucky individuals will get a personalized message from beyond the grave. Wish I could make the timeout one week but Google doesn’t allow that. Oh well, no suicide is perfect.
Personally, I wanted to disappear with no note. An informal poll of people I know showed me that the not knowing was much worse I imagined. So notes will be left.
Mom’s suicide note wasn’t very helpful. The claim that she was going to her death with serenity rang hollow, esp now that I am getting ready to leave town.
So no false serenity in my notes. Also no bitterness or blaming. Nobody likes to read that shit. This will be my last essay and it will be tragically fun.
Maybe try putting yourself in the opposite position. If a close friend or relative committed suicide, would you want a note?
I don’t want to leave notes, plus I don’t have much to say but I love you anyway…
I was thinking the same thing this morning, I don’t think I would leave a note, but just because I don’t care enough to explain myself to anyone, and I wouldn’t know what to say.
No note make a video you need people to see your face while you tell them that they pushed you over the edge maybe they’ll learn from it and teach their kids not to be assholes like them
Leave a note. Just something as simple as “I needed to…”
Thank you, all of you, sorry i responded so late. You’ve helped me think.