I loved you with all of my heart. We’ve been apart for two months and you have no idea how much I think of you. Still. Every. Single. Day. The last time we talked, we fought, after trying to be “friends” for a few weeks. It came as a shock to me, because we never fought. But when we occasionally did, I never defended myself. You’re the one person I can’t stand up to. I loved you too much to fight you. But this time I did. This time was different. You told me I wasted months of your life… funny. You didn’t even get the number of months right. Didn’t care enough to remember? Guess it never mattered. You told me I’m worthless. You told me there were more important things than me. You told me you wouldn’t even consider what we had a relationship. I realized you’d hurt me too much for me to ignore you this time. I fought back… wrote a paragraph, actually, in response to everything you said to put me down. And before you could respond, I blocked you. On everything we used to communicate. Your absence in my life… is impossible to get used to. Impossible to bear. It confuses me, remembering just a day before we fought, a friend of yours saying “he really likes you”, after I asked him if you hated me. “Really likes” is calling me worthless, making me feel like nothing? The one person who can hurt me did it. You hurt me, beyond repair. And I hate you for it. But at the same time, I can’t stop loving you. It’s impossibly confusing to want you to hurt for the pain you’ve caused me, yet never want you to be hurt a day in your life. It hurts loving you, yet knowing you hate me, and not even having a way to check in on you to see if you’re okay. Love is a pain in the ass thanks to you. I can’t get over you, and I know I won’t anytime soon. Now… I’m lost. Cutting because of how worthless you made me feel. Losing friends because of the hostility and moodiness you created in this once-kind human being. 14 years old and drinking every single day to numb the pain that you brought on, the pain that hasn’t stopped since the day you said to me “we’re over”. I didn’t think things would come to this. I used to pride myself in being strong. And I was. But you are the one and only person who can make me feel weak, the one and only person who can hurt me enough to make me cry myself to sleep every night. Do you know how pathetic I feel saying that? I’m disgusted with myself. But things wouldn’t be like this if you hadn’t come into my life. I hate you. Jesus Christ, I hate you for everything you’ve done to me. But I love you. And I won’t stop.
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My kik is itsjustianmooneok feel free to message me Id be happy to try and help
thank you. 🙂 will do
I know the feeling-recently broke up with someone I was seeing. I both hate her for the way she treated me, yet can’t help but love her as well. The part that destroys me the most is when she was at her sweetest, happiest/laughing at my dumb jokes and being a goof-off herself and just lounging in my arms, but now she’s that way with another man.
I didn’t realize how much I was in love with her until she started treating me like crap, began pushing me away and then started lavishing her attention on the new guy-the way she used to with me. Never felt more suicidal till I saw them together that way.
I cried a bit last night, couldn’t sleep till early morning. Only had a few hours sleep, had a headache from it, took a pill, ended up crying in my car on my way to work this morning. Just wiped my tears, didn’t want other drivers to see me like that. I sucked it up for work and actually the routine helped me feel better. I have some good friends there who care about me/make a lot of jokes, so I felt better…but I didn’t tell a soul because I keep work and private life separate.
Anyways at this point I’m better…but occasionally feel anxiety thinking about her how beautiful she looked in her skimpy dress, but in his arms and she acted like I wasn’t even fucking there. I couldn’t handle it, she made some pathetic attempt to say ‘bye’, I just ignored it and left.
I find the only thing that will really help is to find someone new to love. That’s all….you have to just let go of the other person because it wasn’t meant to be. Like you I’m normally a pretty strong person but because of my love for her, she can easily reach her hand into my chest and crush my heart and there’s nothing I can do about it. It’s killing me to know that some other lucky dude gets to make love to her. Just have to find someone else, then I’ll get over her.
How long has she known this guy? Are you sure she’s not just mad at you for something and using the new man to try to make you jealous?
I’m really sorry about your situation. Sit really does suck 🙁 Thank you for your advice, I’ve been trying, it’s just not the same. I’m hoping I’ll get over him soon enough.
It*
Ik all too well what it’s like to love someone and hate them at the same time. The thought of them being with someone else sending jolts of terror through ur body and a flood of dizzying panic spreads across ur chest and constricts ur heart. Ik. And yes I drank and drank to forget. ANYthing to stop that feeling. Any distraction. Lying on my sofa chain smoking and drinking vodka and cranberries (mixed half and half of course) while watching my favorite sitcoms alll day. I started cutting again, having stopped just before we got together those 4yrs ago. Abusing my pills. Crying if I burned toast, then literally beating myself up about it. Not that I even ate for 3 days after she left. And so much of her was still here, things she hadn’t taken yet. Earrings by the sink. Clothes in the hamper. And her pillow that smelled like her that I cuddled at nite until I couldn’t smell her anymore, and sprayed her perfume on her side of the bed. I never thought the pain would end. The first time she came back a cpl days later, she cried seeing all she left, and we hugged, wishing I could gently take her face in my hands, come close…and in one quick moment break her neck, her body crumpling at my feet. I could smell him on her. Already had found the love letters. I love you, I hate you, I love you, I hate you! I didn’t understand how I could be cheated on and then left, abandoned. I treated her like a princess, did everything for her and she never lifted a finger with housework.
What did I do? I would cry to myself at nite. What could I have done better? Who could we have loved each other all these years and u throw me away for, no less, a convict??
I reached to my neighbors, who formed a solid army around me. The 3rd Floor is a tight knit group that I helped start. They never really liked my ex, but now embraced me. And do uk the most important thing they showed me? IT WASN’T MY FAULT! I had done all I could she rejected it, pushed away my love, and discarded all we had.
That’s when thing’s started getting better. My neighbors, no, my friends had showed me I was worth so much more than this girl
*sorry, hit publish before finished*
…this girl who threw away everything to be with a nobody. These friends didn’t laugh at me, didn’t misunderstand me, they didn’t push me into drugs so I could be cool (not until I met ‘the girl next door’, but u already know that story…) But these other ppl, these good ppl helped me so much. I am better than her. And Jenna, ur better than him. My pain began to fade little by little. Sure, I had rough days like when I had to see her, but that feeling of, “Do I want to fuck her or kill her?” slowly began to ebb. The love and hatred got smaller and smaller until they were gone.
Yours will too, hun. I can’t say how long it’ll take, but a lot less time than u think. Get friends, REAL friends who will support u and take care of u. Masking ur systems is just like hitting the snooze button, and ul stay in the same play until u stop and get out and try. If u won’t do it for urself, then do it for me.. for all the years I’ve wasted and ended up a nobody. Do it for all of us who wish we could go back to that time and just change it all.
Thank you so much FreeToFall. Feelings suck. Don’t know how long it’ll take, but it’ll end eventually. Just doesn’t seem soon now. ;-;
And not to be a downer, but while it can sometimes be easy to find someone new, it’s not easy to find someone you’ll “fall in love” with again. A new person will never replace your former flame. It’s best to wait a while after a breakup before pursuing any chance for a serious relationship, otherwise you might end up leading people on and inadvertently hurting them, which wouldn’t be nice. In the meantime you can get in touch with yourself, who you are at that point, and what you’re looking for in a significant other. That way it will be easier to dismiss potential prospects so that you can eventually focus your attention on whoever seems most compatible with your personality and needs.
* This was meant to be under newname’s comment
Thank you 🙂 I’ll see what happens overtime, and hopefully I’ll get the right person.