Halloween used to be my favorite day of the year and the fall used to be my favorite time of year but it’s managed to be miserable every year since 2011 when my first cat was sick and dying.
But right now I feel the most horrible. I feel sick to my stomach out of pure misery, sadness, depression and loneliness. I can’t say I feel like no one gives a fuck about me because I know that no one gives a fuck about me. I’m going to end up alone and homeless just like the universe and God intended from my very conception.
I’m all alone washing my fucking clothe’s in the basement of a place I can’t pay for all to be presentable to people I don’t even fucking see, to do jobs that don’t give a fuck about me enough to give me a livable amount of hours…
I really feel like my first job doesn’t give a shit anymore. I can barely squeeze 10 hours out of the 15 I’m promised. They got a few new big clients that they said they needed to give me the 30 hours they were promising but instead they’re working 12 hour days and hogging it all and I feel like they don’t even want me on board anymore, they just want to be a two man team and they couldn’t fucking care less if I end up caked in my own filth and begging on the streets.
My second job can’t pay me, and my boss said I’d get paid for this week but I don’t know when and chances are, I won’t get it before rent is due then I will be on the streets because I don’t think this guy is going to take any shit in me not having $150 every week like clockwork and instead of wanting it on Fridays when I should get paid, he wants the week as early as possible, on Monday if I can. But since it takes so long to get it from Chase “quick pay”, there’s no way I’m getting paid this week. And they’ve told me I’m not allowed to stress and ask them where my paycheck is if I want to stay on and move up with them.
So I’m broke and have nothing to eat. I’m alone, as always. Another night last night of hearing the guy I love and do everything in the world for moan to all his buddies how sad and lonely he is, how he’s fat and ugly and no one will ever like him, how he has no self esteem or confidence, no one can like a fat guy, the super hot girls never look at him or go for him, etc. and it hurts because he’s oblivious to my feelings, he thinks my feelings can be turned off at will, and that my feelings and opinions of how gorgeous he is and what an incredible catch he’d be don’t matter for fucking shit to him.
So I get here and see another man moaning and whining. Men fucking suck. You ALWAYS get your way in everything, you’ll push people away from you and out of your lives to have everything YOUR WAY absolutely all of the time, and you get your way because everyone male and female will cater to you. Men have it so fucking easy. When you’re born with a vagina, NO ONE WILL EVER DO A FUCKING THING FOR YOU and no one will ever give a fuck how much you’re hurting and suffering!! … Unless you’re one of the super hot ones that can “land a man” and be a part of the privileged normal and accepted people.
You know, I think I’ll call in sick on my birthday and spend it trying to keep the fuck away from everyone!!
5 comments
I’m sorry I can’t offer you any words of advice or a magic solution to your problems, but I am glad you are still with us. Please accept a hug from me to brighten your day.
Halloween…Couldn’t care less about it. It’s just another day where people expect you to be social. I haven’t been on Twitter so I can avoid seeing people having fun. It still came to me in the form of a family member sending me a picture of another family member in a cute costume with others all dressed up. I just felt my heart sink because people are out enjoying their lives and I’ve become something I never wanted to be.
I’ve been following your story here and you’ve been suffering a lot because of your “friend”. It would be best to cut him out of your life, but that’s up to you. When a person isn’t interested in you, it’s easy for them to be selfish and inconsiderate of your feelings. It doesn’t bother him that you’re hurting. He’s self-absorbed and being that shallow is a major turn-off. You deserve better. Take care.
Halloween was always important to me because I was born a horror freak. I’m one of the freaks. It used to be fun, because it was the day all the real freaks come out of the woodwork, like me. But I haven’t seen any of that happen in so long… I’m in the middle of a major city and it’s been quiet all day because it’s cold and has rained all day.
Hey, I really wish you wouldn’t refer to yourself as disgusting. You are not. Ive seen your photos. Theres nothing disgusting about the way you look, and on the inside all I see is pain and loneliness, nothing disgusting there either.
I think that the man that you are saving yourself for and who you clearly have feelings for is ever going to feel the same way about you, and it sounds from his circumstances that he may not be the most stable of companions for you anyway. Your love for him is holding you back. Its difficult to hear I know, but you need to think about whether holding out for him is the best thing for you. Mr right is out there waiting for you. He won’t find you in the place you are in now, and you won’t find him while you are pining for your current man. Think hard, and I know that your housing situation and your health situation mean that it isn’t easy to make any significant life changes at the moment, but maybe it’s time to think about a different future path to take, next time the opportunity for change arrises.
I *don’t* think………
Sorry