I wish I could have a better reason to feel like this, but I dont. I see so many people’s posts about the horrible things that have happened to them, and I feel so guilty. I could have it so much worse, why am I hurting over something so stupid.
I only put up with some shit from my boyfriend for 3 years and he decided to leave. It’s a common thing, why am I so hurt. I knew it would happen, but after a while I convinced myself that I was being paranoid. Of course, I wasn’t being paranoid. I just had dated a mean and selfish person. But even when I can admit that he made me feel so terrible a lot of the time, I still love him so much. I can’t stop thinking about him and it hurts my chest. On the days I finally do distract myself from him, I dream about him or I see his friends walk by me at work. I only feel empty or numb now. I lost almost 15 pounds last month because I was just never hungry or I would feel like I would vomit just from looking at food.
The only reason I hadn’t tried to end it is because he promised that he would talk to me on October 1st, which was 2 months after the break up. Of course, that was a lie. I know he saw my message, but he just won’t answer. I know he never will.
At least when I die, it’ll be a guaranteed thing. I have diabetes, so within a few days of not taking my shots, I’ll either be dead or in a coma. I’ve already saved enough money for a plane ticket somewhere. I just need to buy the ticket and convince my family that I’m just going on a short trip alone.
I’ve been thinking about killing myself off and on for about 8years, since I was 12. But I think I just didn’t really have a reason to before, I mean, things weren’t exactly bad. Everything just seemed pointless. But I guess I just waited it out, to see if life would ever turn interesting. It did, a little bit in high school. But after I started dating my now ex, I just kinda drifted apart from all my friends. I would almost only spend time with him. We were each others first everything. First relationship, first kiss, first time. Then, he just suddenly stopped paying attention to me. Instead of seeing him every other day, I’d see him once a week. He started to snap at me over little things, if I made an irritated face at him, he’d yell at me. If I said anything to annoy him, he’d just walk out on me. I tried to make him happy, I’d almost always do everything he wanted, only once in a while I’d ask to go for a walk with him or something like that. He’d usually say no, but sometimes we’d do what I wanted and it’d be nice. Then this year, he started ignoring me even more. He would go for up to 2 weeks without a text or phone call. I started getting scared that he was leaving, so I would text him every few days asking what I did wrong. He would never say, he would just get so irritated that I was getting upset about being ignored.
And now he leaves, when I have no one left. I have no friends anymore, they’ve all moved on. So, I guess I have 2 reasons to die now. I have no one, and I want him to know what he did to me. I want him to drown in self hatred and guilt. I want him to suffer through the rest of his life, knowing that he was responsible. That he shouldn’t have lied and told me that he loved me. He shouldn’t have lied and told me that he wanted to get married. He says that he feels nothing for me now, well now he’ll feel something for the rest of his life. I just want him to feel something. Anything. This will have to do
6 comments
I’ve got a great book for you to read. Karma’s Little Helper. It’s a ‘coming of age’ novel about a girl with suicidal tendancies who falls in love with a young man who is too damaged to return her love in kind.
That aside, I’ve been through what you’re enduring. I will tell you that when I saw the same man later, I felt blessed that he wasn’t in my life. You are seeing the best in him. Perhaps that is your nature, to see the best in people. I cannot fault you for that. I tend to be the same way.
Please trust your intuition in the future. When you feel that someone isn’t able to return your loyalty and love, trust that feeling. You are not being paranoid. You are gifted with insight.
I hope you don’t let yourself die over this one. Give it another chance. Life, that is, not necessarily men. They can be horrific heartbreakers for women like you and me.
Love,
Vedura
The best revenge is to show him you can live a happy life without him. Killing yourself to spite someone is never a good idea. I knew a guy who committed suicide because his girlfriend dumped him. She was not affected by his suicide at all, she told people she was glad she dumped him especially now she knows that he had severe mental problems.
Yeah. Well I have nothing left anyway. And even if he doesn’t care, his best friends are my friends too. So even if he feels nothing for me, they’ll all blame him and he’ll be alone, just like he made me. I just want to ruin his life in any way at this point. If his friends leave him then that’s big. A life scarring event, for all of them to leave him at once.
There is nothing to look forward to. I have nothing to offer to any relationship and there are too many people in this world who take advantage of the naive ones with no confidence. The world is full of assholes, and I’m not going to sort through all of them to find the few nice people. I know he’s a terrible person but I still love him. I can’t let go.
Even if he feels nothing, he’ll at least know how I felt.
Just pointing out this, you say you have nothing left… well, at your age, it’s pretty usual to be left in a point with “nothing left”. Not saying this from an old geezer perspective (and not taking away from your pain), but you have 3/4 of your life left (assuming you live 80 years), so there’s always a chance that you might find something worth living for again. Love interests aren’t everything in life either.
I know you didn’t ask for it, but i’d suggest to give it a bit of time. Breakups are hard, specially when you’ve been with a person for so long, but there is life to be had after a breakup, regardless of what you might be feeling now. It’s a process that needs time, and you do have plenty of it if you decide to see it through. That said… well, you might think that you have nothing to offer to anyone, but love doesn’t work that way, and you kinda prove it yourself by being in love with someone you refer to as “a terrible person”.
You can let go, you just have to allow yourself to let go. Sorry if something i said bothered you by the way, and i wish you good luck, whatever you end up doing.
I have diabetes. I’m starting to get nerve and eye damage. I’ll be dead in maybe 15 years anyway. It doesn’t really matter. You’re right, but I dont let go of anything and just tired
Just. So tired