I don’t really want to kill myself, I just want the pain to end. The fact that I haven’t done it already also makes me feel like I’m a weak person. What an oxymoron, how can I be weak when I’ve been strong enough to get though almost 30 years of suffering with depression. Sometimes the sadness and anger feels unbearable. I have no one to talk because no one in my life understands or really wants to. Because of my depression and mental illness, I was not always a good mom. Now that they are grown, they do things to push my buttons and hurt me. I guess they want to make me as miserable as I made them growing up. For ex., we live in a small town & my son decided to tell people I had AIDS. For a whole year, I carried around my test results to show people that I don’t have it. I didn’t have many friends before, now I have none and I isolate myself in the house. I forgive my kids because they don’t understand I tried to do the best I could. Well now that they are grown and I feel I really have not future or any energy to even try. I’m so fucked up in the head, how can someone else think I’m worth it, when I think I am worthless. I just want the suffering and sadness to end. Maybe it is time do it?
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Hmpf… My mother also suffers from diagnosed depression, and I believe, an undiagnosed personality disorder. I think you should try to have a consultation with a family therapist/psychologist. I’m now in my early 30ish and I’m the youngest in the family. We were raised in a dysfunctional family environment heavily influenced by my mom and the frequent distant approach of my father. Our family dialogues have helped a lot with how I relate now with my parents. The therapist should consult with you first alone in one session. Then he/she will talk to your kid/s alone in different sessions. Then when you’re all ready, you’ll have a family dialogue wherein everything will be ironed out as best as possible. It may take multiple dialogues to feel any result. In our case it took 3-4 dialogues. But with me, its been very helpful. I feel loved by my parents now and I have a better understanding of how and why they raised us like they did.
Thanks for your suggestion. Unfortunately in my area access to a therapist/psychologist is limited and medical insurance is an issue. I do remember going to therapy as an adult for that same reason. I don’t want to use my depression to give me a free pass by any means, It would just be nice to have some understanding. Thanks for responding and understanding.