I had several really good days.. Until last night
Today is another day, I can’t shut my brain off, the thoughts circling around in my head I want to die.
Why don’t I just end it because I know how this works, I have a few good days and then they turn bad, very bad. I feel like the good days aren’t even worth living anymore because I never know when my mind is going to switch. I hate everything. I hate living like this. This isn’t a life, it’s just full of pain.
8 comments
The coffin company proposed by rocketman doesn’t sound like such a bad idea after all, heh. In all seriousness i do hope your days get better.
Take care hope you feel better soon. You have described exactly how I feel also! People keep telling me to focus on the positive and good days…but what do they know floating around in their own perfect lives…switch places with me and lets have the same conversation. People love people like us as it reminds them how glad they aren’t us and reaffirms their happy lives.
Either that or they are to naive to understand it’s not just something you can turn off. I always get the “be positive” and I do try to be positive but it doesn’t work like that.
*Some* people may be telling you to focus on positive thoughts because it’s a valid mind training technique to combat depression. I guess it depends if you are hearing that from a therapist, yoga instructor, or some idiot at Starbucks.
*Some* people may be telling you to visualize good days because it’s shown to statistically improve mood in most people. I guess it depends if you are hearing that from a therapist, a priest, or some smelly grandmother at Wal*mart.
I love people like us because I love people like us. If anyone feels better after listening to the story of my struggles then I think that is a wonderful thing. Except zombie Hitler. I hope he feels like shit for all eternity.
A lot of people are naive when it comes to depression (but usually trying to help). The “be positive” advice is different when it’s actually put into a practical context. It’s something you need to have a technique for and practice consistently until you’ve basically rewired your brain. That’s different from just thinking of happy thoughts every now and then, which non-depressed people can probably do and find it makes a significant difference.
I think the fact that you have those good days is really promising, because it shows you have the capacity to feel better. I looked at one of your previous posts and saw you’ve looked for help, which I was going to ask about. Remember there’s more out there than the standard medication and therapies. There are much older and much newer treatments too. Whatever happens, I hope you find your way out of the pain.
It’s mostly from my friends and family and outside I am a positive upbeat person with the disgusting happy fb posts and ect. Inside I have never felt it though so when I’m going through a really bad time and trying to talk to some one I basically get the suck it up approach. It’s not that easy all the time. They don’t understand that when I am having a good day, that is a victory over myself. Every day is a challenge for me and some days I can make myself concentrate on the good and some days my anxiety can pull every bad thought I have ever had out.
I have nightmares and wake up from anxiety attacks. I can’t mentally fix that with “look at the positive” they don’t get that. When I am exhausted because the lack of sleep it’s just to much and I’m told “it will get better” the past few month the nightmares have been so bad. Nothing helps with them.
I find FB a delightful place to observe people clearly deceived by their own good moods. I am undercover and no one knows I am secretly taking notes to take back to home base, where I snack on emamami and sneek peeks at tentacle porn on 4chan.
Since my family doesn’t live in this state it’s how they keep up with my kids. If it wasn’t for that then I would delete it in a heartbeat. It’s a bunch of BS