am i tired

Am i honestly tired of trying? Yes.ive attempted suicide several times wrote and went through with it but at the last minute i got scared and sought the er this always seems to happen to the point were im expecting ill end up there. I came close to death once unexpectedly overdosing on sleeping pills i was feeling really uncomfortably sleepy and begging my mom to not let me go but that didn’t stop me from trying again that wont stop me now from trying again.to some it would seem were does it end my sister said im putting everyone through a lot of stress and worry but once im gone i feel like all that will blow up into one big ball of hurt and then i can never hurt them again right now im just making random attempts not really caring what the results are but its all to prepare for a serious attempt and why do i want to do it well im a twisted peverted freak so i can never have kids even if i did get past that i wouldn’t be able to take care of them cause im a failure im also afraid of being alone in this world and clueless as to how to survive if i lose my parents plus i don’t want to be without them therefore random attempt number one starts in January but i don’t know what im going to do yet pills or lack of fluids for sixteen days just got to be careful almost got sectioned the other day for burning my foot