Today I told my mom that I am going to end my life on my birthday. My birthday is in 2 months. I only told her because I didn’t want it to be a surprise for her. I wanted to give her enough time to sit with the idea. I always mess things up in life. I’m just not good at it. I tried to take my life 2 years ago but it didn’t work. I took it as a sign that I must have a reason to live. But no, it was just me failing again. So, this time I’m going to make sure I end it forreal. I hope that mom can understand. She has 3 other children to look after, that can hopefully live their lives the right way, something I could never do. This is my last opportunity to finally give myself what I want: PEACE. I just want everything to stop and me not feel sad or mad or happy. I want to feel the nothingness of nothing. To not have to worry about school or work or getting up in the morning is the best gift that I could ever give myself. And that’s what I’m getting myself for my birthday: Peace.
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How did she react when you told her?
Did you feel suicidal during those two years, or were there any times you felt better? If you’re completely sure that this is what you’re going to do, I hope you’ll find some peace of mind before then too, knowing you’ll be able to rest soon. Hopefully those two months will be a better time.
I don’t know what you’ve done in your life, but keep in mind that it isn’t really divided into failures or successes. Sometimes one failure can lead to overcoming something else. It doesn’t sound like you’ve had much of a chance to be happy yet, but it’s never too late to try again.
She couldn’t understand why I would want to do it. I felt suicidal since I started cutting when I was 15, that was 7 years ago. I got professional help and that worked for while. Then,instead of cutting I started to drink and smoke everyday to keep me from doing it.. Now I’m just tired, every piece of happiness I found during that time got taken away. But I’m not going to worry because it’ll all be over soon
I’m so sorry you’ve felt that way for so long. I do think cutting and drinking and smoking can be damaging longer term, though you need some kind of coping mechanism at the time. I think you could have a chance of recovery with more help. But I understand that you’re tired and that you’ve been suffering for a very long time. If you want it to end and it works, then I really hope you find the peace you deserve.
I could have written this post. I feel the same way about not having to worry about things. My life is becoming too stressful and I am not allowed to die anymore.
I am curious to know about her reaction too, sorry if I’m being nosy.
I may go to bed soon, so I am not sure if I will read your comment tonight if you respond, but I wish you the very best. I know things are complicated right now for you and that you see death as your way out to find peace and comfort. Yet I hope you can find a way to fix what is wrong and change things.
Love and light.
She was just saying how she couldn’t understand why I would want to do it. I explained to her that I wasn’t doing it to make her sad but it was something I need to do for myself. She just kept telling me to stop talking about it, so I respected her wishes.
I think listening and understanding are helpful, even when you have made the decision to have PEACE by ending your life. I hope you try some more times to tell your mom details in a way to help her to understand.
I’m a mom, and my son ended his life six years ago at age 24. Since age 14, he expressed not wanting to live. He stuck around for 10 more years and was miserable most of the time. He had a few good years, but he mostly felt like he was going through the motions of ‘life’. When he was age 16, he told me “mom, we’re all like little ants, just tasking”.
I am so grateful that he told me his troubles and his plan. But I am so sad, still. I’m sad for me; and sad that my special boy, my only child, couldn’t find his way in this world.
I took my son to lots of ‘treatment’ by ‘experts’ who only endeavored to change him. There was no effort to understand him, or for him to understand himself. I went along with the ‘experts’, but my son thought they were foolish.
I wish I had figured out a way to disconnect both of us from the constant worries and the expectations of achievement and happiness.
I always stayed honest with my mom. The only reason I told her was because I knew that she truly loves me no matter what. I knew that she wouldn’t call me selfish or say hurtful things.. And I could not imagine leaving without giving her an explanation. As long as she knows, I’ll be okay to carry out my plan.
crystalclear79 – Your post especially garnered my attention because….
well, it’s all about love. I’ve experienced different kinds of love throughout my life – romantic love, family love, friend love, pet love (doggy). I do not know why there are different love feelings. But this I know … the depth of love a parent has for their child is profound and incomparable to any other love. The love is intense and infinite.
When a child has died, the quandary is this: deep love = deep suffering
I am hoping your mom will seek to understand your pain and worries. If you decide to continue with your plan in 2 months, your mom will likely suffer less pain if she has more understanding of you. Even though your mom won’t be surprised, she will be in shock. Your siblings will also be devastated, and your entire family will be on a long journey striving for a new normal. It’s difficult for people to talk about pain, worries and death. But the more they know now will help them later.
I’m hoping you’ll keep us updated.
@stayorgo I am so sorry for your loss.
theWhispersOfMySins – Thank you for your sentiments. I’ve only posted here a few times after lurking for many months. I’m not sure if I want to figure out a reason for me to STAY in this life, or if I’m hoping to discourage others from choosing to GO.
@stayorgo I can’t imagine your pain. If you ever need to talk feel free to email… username at hot mail c om
“She just kept telling me to stop talking about it”
So was she telling you to stop or was she screaming for you to stop?
In your past interactions with your mother have you ever tried to deliberately shock her by graphically describing (real or imagined) sexual situations or drug use? Sorry for the wierd questions, trying to understand your mom.
You are the oldest? Get along OK with your sibs?
I’m next to the oldest child and we all get along well. I don’t share the details with her about stuff like sex or my drug use. She just kept saying, not really screaming but her tone changed, the phrase “stop it” and to “stop talking about it.”
OK. I guess she feels overwhelmed and out of her depth. In my, very very small, family, when someone talks about committing suicide, “tackling* usually follows. I know it sounds counterproductive, but it’s worked for me and my son.
Please be aware you might be doing something that would encourage one of your siblings to suicide… or take up some sort of self destructive behavior. And regardless of how many sibs you have, your mom is going to be super depressed about this.
You sound pretty smart so I bet you’ve thought of this, but I thought I’d mention it.
And please please don’t leave huge puddles of blood. That’s what my mom did and it’s not been a lot of fun having that stuck in my head for 14 years now.
Otherwise, you sound like you know what you’re doing. May peace walk with you.
I’ve asked my mother if she would understand if I took my life. She said she would.